Last mirror update: 29 September
1997
Last source update: 16 May 1997
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
Compiled by Harold Reynolds.
Updated May 16, 1997.
Copyright 1997 by Harold Reynolds. Inquiries by
publishers are welcome!!
Based on a small set of Cat Rules (with the same title) by Gary
Bogue.
Illustrations contributed (with many thanks!) and copyright by
Paul J. Lareau, and placed by Laurie Miller,
maintainer of the The Malcolm Cat
Protection Society (in Cyprus) WWW site.
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Hello, fellow Cat slaves! The original copy of the "Basic
Rules for Cats who Have a House to Run" was uncovered in a
surprise raid on the Kitten Training Centre by the daring Cat
Slave Intelligence Service (CSIS) agent Gary Bogue. (He has since
been placed in the Witness Protection Program and is now
somewhere in Contra Costa County, California). Their cover was
blown when a copy was posted to Usenet and fellow agent Harold
Reynolds (myself) got ahold of it. Based on careful observations
of his masters, plus those of other agents throughout the world,
the list of Cat Rules has grown into a hefty document.
Be sure not to be seen by your masters laughing at the Cat
Rules. We may think they are funny, but they are taken very
seriously by our masters and those who laugh will likely find
hairballs in their shoes.
Yours in servitude,
Harold Reynolds
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy Cat(s)
who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more
humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible
situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of
mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have
endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It
is important that this document be kept out of the hands of
humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their
advantage.
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and Hamper, a Cat
must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half
is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food:
convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed
*NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some
guidelines for getting fed.
- When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip
of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
- Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some
from the table.
- Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass
is full enough to drink from. If a human catches you at
it and chases you away, run back as soon as his back is
turned and drink some more (unless he tossed the water
into the sink, of course). See also WATER.
- The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness
are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they
are sleeping or on the toilet, or you are in one's lap.
If you insist on waking a human at what it considers a
"ridiculously early hour" for breakfast (as
with the Early Breakfast CAT CLUB),
be warned that the human may be as likely to throw you
outside or in the basement as to feed you. See WAKING THEM UP. If you are installed in
a lap, be extra friendly with purring and head-butting.
As soon as you have the human's attention, leap off and
run to your dish, meowing to make sure you are noticed.
- Should you catch something of your own outside, it is
only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be
insistent--your food will usually not be so polite and
will try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the
food you've just caught, be considerate and don't waste
it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully pick it
up and carry it to the human's house and, if the door is
closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or
there is a Cat-door, take it inside and leave it
somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more
welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make
the best gifts as humans love a good game of chase just
as much as you do, although be careful not to help them;
it's their gift after all.
- Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are
unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath
the Dignity of a Cat to beg outright for food as lower
forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques
exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you
exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping
onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring
loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room
and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, twining around
people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing
plaintively, and resting your paws on the human's leg and
meowing to remind them you're still interested.
- Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both Cats and
humans. Whenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the
floor within your reach, s/he is showing you great
respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until
cool (you may even put your paw in it to make sure the
temperature is just right) and then daintily drink it.
- Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you
and the humans will deem as edible. The appropriate
action, should the stuff in question be too repulsive to
ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to
drag over objects to cover the offending item. This
informs the ignorant human that it really belongs in the
litter box.
- If you steal something from the trash that you are not
supposed to have (the greasier the better), remember to
drag it onto the carpet, where the smell can be detected
and enjoyed for several days even if cleaned. Be sure to
growl at your human when she tries to take your prize
away.
- Some humans have one or more large glass tanks filled
with water, called "aquariums". Inside these
aquariums are delicate morsels called fish, which are
much prized by Cats as snacks. If possible, leap on top
of the tank, flip up the lid that the humans use to put
food into the tank, and stare down until you think you
can snag one. Unfortunately, this action will require
getting your paw wet, since the fish will not cooperative
by jumping out for you, but the result will be worth it.
If you can swipe a fish onto the floor, it becomes an
amusing toy as it flops around helplessly. Once it is no
longer entertaining, you may eat it. Be warned that the
humans will not appreciate your efforts, so try not to
get caught in the same room as the aquarium so they won't
blame you for the mysterious fish population depletion.
If access is denied by the wicked humans, watching the
fish swim around is a good way to relax.
Most Cats think that this strange-looking plant is Food of the
Gods and better even than tuna. There are some, however, who are
sadly deprived of the ability to enjoy this wonderful treat and
will look upon the others with a mixture of confusion and disgust
at the utter lack of Dignity of those partaking. If you are one
of the latter, please skip to the next section.
Catnip is available in two forms--in the wild as an
odd-looking plant that grows in delightfully fragrant, though
often rather flattened, patches, and from the humans in a
concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the humans know of our
weakness for catnip and will try to hold it out from us, often
employing some very ingenious methods to do so. If the humans are
careless enough to leave any catnip within reach, it is
imperative to get it no matter what you have to tear apart to do
so. Otherwise the humans will use it to attempt to coerce us to
do things which would otherwise be beneath us. 
The greatest hazard of catnip is that it causes those Cats
under its influence to utterly lose their Dignity. They roll
around foolishly, purr at maximum volume, tear around the house
at top speed, and do other things no sane Cat would be caught
doing. Do attempt to control yourself, especially if your humans
have a "video camera" and are prone to using it.
Water (also known as Cat Solvent) would
be really great if it wasn't so WET! Dripping taps are the
best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets are the
next best (but the water inside must be COLOURLESS and contain
NOTHING!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running
water be immediately investigated in case a free drink may be
obtained. The bathtub is the best place to lurk in the bathroom
when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two and perhaps
hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn
on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry
noisily (see DOORS). The water dish is to be
used only as a last resort in case the humans leave the toilet
lid down and the tub and sink are dry.
If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glassful of liquid,
immediately stick your face into the glass. If the opening is too
narrow, dip your paw into the liquid, swirl it around, and give
it the taste test. You may be pleasantly surprised to find beer
or even milk! In any case, if the liquid is good, continue to
sample, but only while your human is distracted. Some of the best
water is ornamented with those cold, hard buoyant cubes that bob
up and down in the liquid when pressed lightly. If your human
protests, lick the condensation on the outside of the glass.
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for
playing, a Cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not
difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a
human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your
fur colour. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or
radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist
outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and
dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as
rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans - if the
Cat is sharing a bed with two humans, the well skilled Cat can
cause one of the humans to be blamed/swatted/smacked for the deed
by the other.
B) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at
night, make them suffer for it. Even if they give you a nice warm
room of your own to sleep in at night, with a Cat-door to the
outside world, that just isn't good enough. There are several
ways of registering your disapproval.
- Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After all, the
humans don't sleep in it - so why should you?
- Fight noisily with other Cats in the neighbourhood, just
outside their bedroom window. Make sure that you appear
in the morning with as many fresh scars as possible.
Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved "Well, I
wouldn't have all these injuries if you only let me sleep
in the bedroom at night" expression.
- When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath,
locate the appropriate drainpipe and yowl up it. That
amplified and disembodied "Meow" is sure to
surprise them - as is the length of time you can do this
without getting hoarse.
- When they finally come downstairs, and call for you,
refuse to use the Cat-door to enter the house. There's a
perfectly good front door they can open. Of course, if
they should anticipate you by opening the front door and
calling, ignore them. You should only appear by the front
door and yowl once they've closed it again.
This is an important part of your life.
Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your
nocturnal games. Below is a good, but not exhaustive, selection
of favourite Cat games that you can play. It is important though
to maintain one's Dignity at all times. If you should have an
accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately
wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do
that!" It fools those humans every time.
- Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe
that those lumps under the covers are their feet and
hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice,
rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the
world, though no Cat has ever been able to catch one.
Rumour also has it that only the most ferocious attack
can stun them long enough for you to dive under the
covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste
the Bed Mouse!
- King of the Hill: This game must be played with at
least one other Cat. The more, the merrier! One or both
of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended
at all costs from the other Cat(s). Anything goes. This
game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one
must take the unstable playing theatre into account. A
more extreme version of this is to stage a loud fight
with another cat sleeping on the bed, which will
immediately wake the sleeping humans into a state of
confusion. If there is a dog sleeping by the bed, you can
try to get it involved in breaking up the fight, which
will add greatly to the confusion. This stunt will more
than likely result in getting everyone expelled, so play
it sparingly.
WARNING: Playing games (1) and (2), especially the
noisier version of (2), to excess will result in
expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom.
Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin
purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some
time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be
on a human when this occurs, this Cat wins the round of
King of the Hill.
- Tag (Also known by humans as "Charge of the
Light Brigade"): Obviously this game also requires
two or more Cats, and may include a dog as well. One Cat
is "it". The other(s) chase him around the
apartment until they catch up to him. Then follows the
"Scrum", after which the Cat who caught the
other becomes "it" and is chased around. Great
fun, but has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity
from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the
Non-Carpeted Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation
occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash
themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid to do this and
may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically
becomes "it" and should be subjected to the
Pileup.
Tube Mouse: This is a
game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White
Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is
artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside
this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the
Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape
from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright
and stops spinning. But that's OK because you now have a
great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part
two of the game is to make the angry human believe that
the other Cat did it. This is related to another fun
game, "Snowstorm", in which you try to make it
look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can
track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be
warned that this variant often results in the coming of
the VACUUM MONSTER.
- Fetch: Dogs will run after a ball or stick that
humans throw, take it back to them, and continue doing
this until they drop. As established earlier, dogs are
not bright. A dignified Cat MAY fetch a ball for its
human, but if the human persists in continually throwing
the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want
it, and leave it. A small minority of Cats will fetch
favourite toys like pipe cleaners, twist ties, or other
small plastic things. They claim it's great exercise and
doesn't deprive them of too much Dignity.
- Kibble Soccer: Any number of Cats can play. The
game begins when the referees go to bed. The player runs
to the bowl where the dry Cat food is kept, and executes
a "place-kick." The player does this by
attempting to kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw.
Using the nose and tongue ("heading") is
allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl
must be tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble is out
of the bowl and in play, the player proceeds to bat it
around the room as quickly as possible. This is
accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front
paws, running behind it as it moves (this is also known
as the "kibble dribble"). If the kibble gets
stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must
attempt to put it back into play with a "corner
kick."
If the kibble is still on the
playing field after 30 seconds, the player is awarded a
point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which
she returns to the bowl to put the next one into play. No
points are awarded for kibbles that are kicked out of the
playing area (under the stove, behind the refrigerator,
etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other
spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.
For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science
Diet round kibbles roll particularly well. The referees
control the pace of the game by waking up (usually after
the first few points have been scored) and imposing
obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The
referees do this by placing covers on top of the bowl,
placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise
hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree
of ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles
between herself and the kibbles and resuming the game.
The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out of
the playing field, or when a referee puts the player in
the penalty box.
- "Rumpus Raising"
Step 1: Warm up by
tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high
speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt
noises on the rugs. Furniture that is off limits during
the daytime makes great springboards. (Even more fun with
two or more participants.) Important style points are
gained during this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell
from a judge.
Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate
them. Door stoppers that go SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when
you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle when
disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit
the carpet are best. Technical points are awarded in this
step. The more complex the device the better. 5 points
for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP
*Please hang up* BEEP BEEP...
Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware
and remote controls are useful here. It might be
beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before this
step. Final creativity points are awarded now.
Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when
the judges storm into room and turn on the lights.
Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonus points if
another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the
judges stub, trip or completely fall over the objects
knocked over!
- Skiing: This game is played when your human has
the newspaper lying on the floor for reading. Run down a
hallway toward the newspapers at full speed, leap onto
the paper and see how far you can slide. The slippery
advertisements are best for this. This game is even more
fun if your human is unaware that you are going to play.
It can be followed by a good round of "Catch
Mouse" (newspaper variant). It can also be played on
throw rugs.
- "Magic Curtain": It can take some time
to teach the humans this game, but it is worth the
effort. You need a curtain which reaches down to the
floor (vertical venetian blinds will do). Hide behind the
curtain and command the human to throw a small toy
(really a mouse, of course) at it. The key part is to
restrain yourself as long as you can to fool the human
into thinking you aren't going to pounce. When the human
reaches for the toy, attack the toy and kill it. Half the
fun is in attacking the "mouse", the other half
is in watching the human jump back to avoid getting his
hand shredded.
Variation 1: Sometimes the curtain or blind itself
magically transforms into a Curtain Monster, which must
be killed immediately! Grab it, kick it with your hind
feet, wheel around on your back like mad and tear as much
as you can! The Curtain Monster and the Martians that
live behind it are tough opponents, but with persistence
you will be victorious.
Variation 2: You are at the bottom of Mount
Everest (the curtain) and there is a tempting morsel at
the top which you must reach before it runs away. Climb
as fast as you can before the morsel disappears and/or a
human grabs you and throws you outside.
"Tunnel":
Convince your human to move the couch out a little bit
from the wall, just enough so that you can move between
the wall and the couch. Demand that your human throw a
toy (preferably a small ball) for you to chase. Instead
of chasing it through the open room, run behind the
couch, tunnel along, miraculously emerge from the other
end and grab the toy. Your human will be deeply impressed
by your sophisticated move, and will readily throw the
toy again and again.
- "Snooze": A good game to play with the
other Cat(s) in the house is to see how many different
places you can sleep in one day. You mark your sleeping
spot with an appropriate deposit of hair, which is a
necessary part of any Cat-owned apartment. It is
important to play this game at least weekly, since the
humans are always removing the markers. Bonus points go
to the unusual spots, like the top of the fridge, TV, or
air conditioner, and even on top of the Vacuum Monster
slumbering in its closet. Of course, if the Vacuum
Monster should awaken while you're sleeping on it, there
will be potentially serious consequences!
- "Cupboards": As you will have noticed in
your explorations of your household, the floor-level
kitchen cupboards are all interconnected. The object of
the game is to dart inside when a human opens a cupboard
door and immediately make your way to the farthest
reaches out of range of the human's grasp. If you can get
a partner to run it with you to divide the human's
attention, so much the better. Often you can open the
doors yourself and don't even need the human there. This
skill is especially useful if there are some tasty treats
being stored in the garbage can that you want.
If the human gives up easily, you now have a nice safe
dark place to curl up, snooze, and deposit hair. Humans
love to wash their pots and pans before using them. If
the humans keep the garbage can under the sink, you may
also have a free meal or two if anything is worth eating
(provided you can get into it). If you and your partner
are feeling frisky, great wrestling matches can take
place in the darkness, with lots of crashes and clangs to
make it sound like the Tournament of the Century! More
fun can be had by scooting back and forth and putting
your paw under the door and meowing to let the human
think you want out that door, but when the door is
opened, run to another before you can get grabbed.
If the human is prone to flushing you out with a squirt
bottle, make as much of a mess as possible when making
your escape to let him/her know your displeasure. Be sure
to wash yourself upon exiting the kitchen to retain your
Dignity and glower at the impudent human while doing so.
- "Telephone dialer": Many of the newer
things humans call telephones (with which they spend far
too much time talking to other humans while not attending
their masters) have lots of little buttons which you can
use. The little ones without numbers are often
"speed dial" buttons, which means that if you
can turn the phone on (look for a "speaker phone
button") you can make phone calls too! Since humans
love to talk on the phone, they will be glad to hear your
melodious voice greet them! Their feline masters will be
even more pleased if you make your call early in the
morning to save them the trouble of making the humans
wake up early. If you can call long distance, so much the
better! Serves those slug-like humans for sleeping during
prime play time and leaving their masters unattended!
- "Bat the Blinds:" This is a fun game
that can be used as an alarm clock for dormant humans or
as a signal that a Cat wants to go outside. All that is
required is vertical blinds in the bedroom. It is best
played when there are more than one Cat in a household.
When the humans are asleep, one of the Cats should go
over to the blinds and attack them with the purpose of
making as much noise as possible. Run and hide under the
bed when a human gets up and blearily opens a door to go
outside, while the other Cats play possum on the bed so
that the human doesn't know who did it. Different Cats
can do this at different times, with the objective of
seeing how many can attack the blinds until all are
thrown out by the enraged humans.
- "Table Cloth:" For whatever reasons,
sometimes your humans will put a large piece of (usually
white) cloth on their dining table. If you are a
dark-haired cat, this means you are obliged to try to
deposit as much of your hair on it as possible. If you
are present while they are putting the table cloth on,
you also have an opportunity to Hamper.
Leap up and snag an edge with your paw as the humans are
trying to adjust it so you can try to pull it to the
floor. You will be immediately shooed away, of course.
Once the humans have set all the stuff on the table, do
this again. You will get lots of toys, as well as plenty
of nesting material, but it's impossible to do this
silently and you will get forcibly ejected and barred
from the dining room. If you wish to be more subtle, hop
on the table and begin shedding activities, (scratching,
grooming, and/or sprawling). See how much hair you can
deposit before the humans notice and throw you out. The
more Cats there are, the more variety of colour you can
add to the table cloth!
If the table cloth reaches nearly to the floor, you have
an instant fort. Lurk underneath it until a human passes
by, then leap out and grab an ankle! Run back under the
table where they can't get you. Be prepared to be flushed
out by a squirt bottle though.
Any small item, such as Q-tips, is a
potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that
it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably
outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch
where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources
of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed
several types of Cat toys.
- Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should
be hidden so that the other Cat(s) or humans can't play
with them. They are generally good for playing hockey
with on uncarpeted floors.
- Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords,
gold chains, dental floss, and rubber bands also make
excellent toys. They are favourites of humans who like to
drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a
string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it
magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be
killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky
and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that
playing with shoelaces when the human is trying to tie
them is another form of Hampering.
Fishing poles with small toys attached are favourites of
humans who want to destroy Dignity, because they are just
so hard to resist. Beware the tactic of the human
spinning around in circles while you charge vainly after
the toy, especially if you are on a smooth floor and
can't get good traction. Respond to hilarity by baleful
stares and washing yourself, then walk by the toy with
your nose in the air. Then leap on it when the human
isn't suspecting. It works every time.
- Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and
camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are
hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises
they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to
and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill
them. Note: any other Cat you may find in a bag hunting
for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will
usually result in a great Tag match.
A somewhat risky approach to catching Bag Mice utilizes
the Bag Slide. This is accomplished by performing a
classic crouch (including full butt-wiggle) 5-6 feet from
the mouth of the bag, then charging into the bag at full
speed, causing the bag to skitter a great distance across
a wooden floor (Note: This does NOT work on wall-to-wall
carpet!) CAUTION: Be prepared for a significant impact
with walls, chairs, etc. if you've really built up your
momentum!
- Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought Cat
toy. After all, in the old days, Cats had to fashion
their own toys. Store-bought toys are an affront to a
"real" Cat. However, if the toy appears to be
interesting, you may wait until the humans are sleeping
before you play with it (but be sure to keep quiet so
they don't figure out you actually like it).
- Some cats find ice cubes to be great toys, as they can
slide across smooth floors for great distances. Ice cubes
can only be obtained from the freezer (it is *not*
recommended that you try to fish any from drinks!) if you
pester a human while he/she is getting something from it.
Once the new toy is released into your custody, it's play
time! Be careful not to lick it though as you may find it
sticks to your tongue!
- Your human is more likely than not to have other humans
come to visit. Sometimes they will all just sit around
and talk, which is great because you have the opportunity
to get lots of extra attention (see GUESTS).
However, sometimes they'll set up
some sort of game and start playing, which is not so
great because they aren't noticing you. Many human games
(and all jigsaw puzzles) have lots of little pieces, and
are really Cat Toy Bonanzas, but the humans will not want
to share them with you for some reason.
If they are playing on the floor, rectification of this
injustice is relatively straightforward. You can charge
across the board scattering pieces everywhere and snatch
one in the confusion. The subtle approach, where you act
really friendly to one of the humans so you can get close
to the board and then snitch one, requires more patience.
If you have a partner who can create a diversion, say by
running across the board as in the first case, you can
then zip in during the uproar and snitch a piece while
the humans are distracted. A third option is to just plop
yourself down in the middle of the board and say
"Pet me!". With luck, a piece or two will get
stuck in your fur (especially if you're long-haired) and
you will have a new toy when you're ejected from the
board.
Playing on a table presents a greater challenge, as the
board is much more inaccessible. Try ingratiating
yourself by curling up on a lap, and occasionally
sticking your head over the table edge to see what's
going on and perhaps try to knock a piece or two off the
table with a paw. Jumping on the table is risky but
potentially rewarding, as the humans may not expect such
chutzpah (or chutzpaw in your case). If a corner of the
game board extends over the table edge, you can stand on
your hind legs and reach for it; if successful you could
bring a whole avalanche of toys down!
Unfortunately, all of these actions are liable to make
the humans very angry, so you'd better have a safe place
to run with your toy, unless you're a Hedonist (see CAT CLUBS) and enjoy playing fast and
loose with your life by baiting the humans. This activity
also counts as HAMPERING.
It is well known that humans are
incapable of performing even the simplest of tasks without feline
supervision and/or assistance. This supervision is absurdly known
by the humans as "Hampering". If one of your humans is
engaged in some close activity and any others are idle, stay with
the busy one. It would take a large book to describe all of the
activities which need to be supervised, so only a condensed list
is presented below.
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel
of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a
better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and
comforted.
- For book readers, get in close under the chin, between
eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
- For television watchers, be sure to settle down in their
laps just before a commercial break when they're most
likely to want to get up and do something.
- For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in
the most appropriate manner so as to obscure the maximum
amount, or at least the most important part. Pretend to
doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or
knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you;
ignore it. Remember, the aim is to Hamper work.
Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks
in spite of what the humans may tell you.
- For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on
income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep
in mind the aim: to Hamper! First, sit on the paper being
worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of
the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on
the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens,
pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
- Speaking of Christmas, this annual event presents many
opportunities to Hamper. When the human is trying to wrap
presents, go for the Paper Mice which hide under the
wrapping paper that is on the floor. Do your best to
shred their hiding places. Ribbons also make great toys!
Be sure to attack the loose ends as the humans struggle
to wrap their presents in spite of you. If there are any
bows, try to steal them and run under the bed with them.
If the human does not give chase (thinking he/she will
"sacrifice" one for the sake of peace and
quiet), go back and steal another! Snitch the gift tags
before the human can put them on the presents, or for
more fun, after they put them on. Watch out for sneaky
distraction tricks like putting Scotch tape in your fur!
Climbing up and lurking in the Christmas tree is also fun
(though beware the sticky sap that some have) and makes
for a good hiding place, provided you can stay still and
not knock off any ornaments. Tinsel garlands make great
toys (but not good food). Ornaments are not such great
toys, however, because they break into lots of sharp
pieces which can cut your feet (not to mention incite
yelling fits in the humans).
- When a human is holding the newspaper in front of
him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They
love surprises.
- As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs;
when they have something in their arms; in the dark; and
when they first get up in the morning. This will help
their coordination skills.
- If your female (or sometimes male) human is trying to
arrange her/his hair in the morning, and if it is long
enough, treat it like you would any other strings. Try to
bat, grab, and generally attack it. Steal any elastics or
"scrunchies" that the human might wish to use
to tie down her/his hair and duck under the bed with
them. This only works if the human isn't intelligent
enough to have a couple of "sacrifice"
scrunchies which you are allowed to steal with only token
resistance. Once you twig onto this tactic, try standing
in front of the mirror or jumping onto your human's head
or shoulders. This should get you evicted from the room
and you can spend the rest of the time meowing piteously
at the door.
- Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move
around. See the Bed Hog Club under CAT
CLUBS for a suggestion.
- When a human is attempting to "make the bed",
hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the
sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human
tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move
around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when
you're evicted.
- Suitcases always mean that your human is about to abandon
you, so it is important to prolong the packing process as
much as possible. As soon as it is opened up, jump in and
curl up for a nap or chase your tail and/or attack items
put inside. It is of paramount importance to shed as much
hair as possible during the Hampering process to make
sure other Cats (and humans) know that your human is
already owned.
- Laundry presents many opportunities to Hamper (hence the
other name for the laundry basket--the laundry hamper).
Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it
is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for
sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes
you, keep returning until the laundry isn't warm anymore.
Now it's play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to
move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For
added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.
- When a human is working at a computer, s/he isn't paying
attention to you. Fortunately, this problem is easy to
remedy, but persistence is critical because humans seem
to hold the computer in ridiculously high regard. You can
easily obstruct the human's view of the screen with your
beautiful tail, or if it's low enough, with your even
more beautiful body. Trampling or sprawling on the
keyboard is always good for some attention as well. Pay
special attention to the keys marked "Esc",
"Del", and "Brk". If you need to nap
while supervising your human, good places are the
keyboard, on top of the plastic thing with the cord that
the humans laughably call a "mouse", or on the
human's arms. If the human insists on removing you from
these choice locations, there's always the lap. If
possible, while in the lap try to drape yourself on one
of the human's arms. Also feel free to knock pens,
papers, diskettes, Post-It notes, and anything else
accessible onto the floor.
- High-tech devices create the
possibilities for high-tech Hampering, such as the
computer example above. Many of the humans' entertainment
devices like TVs, VCRs, and stereos have flat rectangular
doodads with lots of buttons on them called "remote
controls", which are often left on coffee tables
which are part of your patrol rounds. You can do the
obvious (i.e. hide them), but it is a well-established
fact that all those little buttons are great for
massaging your feet. Be sure to trample them thoroughly
for the best effect! If they are pointed towards the
things they control, you can also get the machines to
turn on, make timer lights flash, generally scramble
things up, and in short, Hamper! Sometimes your actions
will have undesireable side effects, such as a sudden,
terrifying blast of noise from a stereo or TV (which may
lead to a terrifying blast of noise from the humans,
especially if you do this in the early morning!). If this
happens, run and hide under the bed and wait it out.
Answering machines are also good to walk on. Trampling on
certain buttons will make interesting things happen, and
possibly Hamper by making messages disappear.
If your human is talking on the telephone (and hence not
giving you the required 100% Undivided Attention), be
sure to demand attention by standing on the base and
trampling as many buttons as possible, or the big one
that hangs up the line if you can.
- Help your human clean the apartment by walking across and
thoroughly inspecting each surface as s/he finishes
dusting it. Pay particular attention to glass-top tables.
- Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.
- It is considered bad form to lie on the bare
floor, couch, or bed. An exception is on no made
for the human's favourite chair, which you are
allowed to sit matter what (or who) is there.
- On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes
lying there. It is your duty to lie on them to
get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a
choice, choose either the cleanest item or the
item which contrasts most strongly with your fur.
If your human protests, act cute.
- It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes
your human contort to the greatest extent if s/he
wishes to share the bed/couch with you.
- Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the
floor is preferable to just lying on the floor.
Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on
if your human has them on the floor for his/her
reading convenience.
- Select a chair to sleep on that Hampers your
human the most. For example, if your human is
doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent
your interference, it is your duty to take a nap
on the chair your human would like to be sitting
in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.
- If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of
critical importance that you not immediately go
about your business. You must either sit still
for a time, washing yourself to save face, or lie
on the floor to make your human feel guilty, and
let him know you're waiting for the chair. If the
human cheats by moving your resting chair and/or
sitting in a different one (in a situation such
as the kitchen table example above), you may be
able to continue Hampering by jumping into the
human's lap. If the human has to get up to get
something, and dumps you off (if you've elected
to take the lap option), immediately occupy the
chair, curl up to enjoy the warmth, and look
smug. Of course, the human will just switch
chairs or throw you off again. This game can be
played for hours.
It is advised that Cats use any
scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective
of what they think is their property and will object strongly if
they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and
doing it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very
observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good.
Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! Some humans
come equipped with "jeans", which can be scratched
without inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them
will result in further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you
wish.
This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being
the most prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn
into raging monsters while under Its influence, running around
the house sucking up all the carefully shed Cat hair and
terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop
It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back
into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the
engine roar to life and hope that It doesn't find you. On some
occasions, however, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum
cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This is Its
stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not
worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of
the Beast in pain.
To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer it
with your forepaws and/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is
not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an
"outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important during
very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Protest if the
human uses a foot to "encourage" you to leave.
Sometimes doors can be opened by Cats without the aid of humans.
Such doors must be kept open for the Cat(s) to investigate within
at any time. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs; their
nickname "Tail-Biter" tells it all.
If a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom, and
closes the door to exclude a Cat, meow pathetically and try to
stick your paws under the door to open it. If the human relents,
lets you in and then closes the door, immediately demand to be
let out. If the human lets you out and closes the door,
immediately demand to be let in again. This is especially fun
when it's the bathroom and there are guests. This game can be
played until the human wises up and hoses you with a squirt gun.
Scuttle out of range and wash yourself, to pretend that the
assault on your Dignity didn't happen.
If a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet door,
is opened, you must immediately rush in to investigate to see if
anything has changed since the last time you were in there.
Resist the human's attempts to remove you before you have
completed your investigation. Protest loudly when the human
removes you anyways.
As with doors, drawers represent Restrictions to Freedom of
Access. Although sometimes a clever Cat can figure out how to
open a door, opening drawers is almost impossible and must be
done by a human. Any drawer that can be opened by a Cat, of
course, must be on a regular basis, especially if it's a dresser
drawer, since they provide comfy beds for naps. Needless to say,
when a drawer is opened, it is imperative that its contents be
investigated for items which are potentially edible, toys and/or
comfortable resting places. Dresser drawers must also have their
contents "pre-haired", i.e. the clean clothes must have
Cat hair deposited on them before they are even worn, just in
case the humans are able to get out of the house in the morning
without the Cat being able to shed on them.
As soon as you hear a drawer open, immediately rush to the
scene and jump in. If the human removes you, be persistent, since
every time you get picked up, you shed some hair. This is best if
it can be done with a partner -- one jumps in as the other is
removed. Do your best to rearrange the contents of clothing
drawers by playing "Find the Mouse" as far back as you
can reach. Scratch yourself vigorously to deposit the required
hair. This is an excellent form of early-morning HAMPERING
(see above)!
A Hide-and-Seek game can be played if a human is distracted by
something and leaves a drawer open. Burrow in as far as you can
and make yourself at home. If the human doesn't see you when he
comes back and closes the drawer, the game begins. It is
especially effective in filing cabinets where there are often
large empty spaces behind all the papers where you can't be seen.
After a few minutes, start yowling loudly so that the human will
want to find you. With the right projections, you can keep the
human searching for several minutes before he/she thinks of
looking in the dresser or filing cabinet. When revealed, glower
at the human reproachfully and jump out with as much Dignity as
you can muster. Be sure to leave plenty of hair behind. The first
recorded instance in the literature was with a Cat named Pandora
who kept her humans looking for her for a couple of days!
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with
and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is
important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that
they will not forget who is the master of the house.
One way to keep your human healthy is through agility
training. You can do this by running ahead of your human,
maintaining a distance of about one and a half of the human's
paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the human
doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially
from beginner humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of
danger in his/her world. A bonus from this exercise is that the
sight of the human will be very amusing and you can share the
experience with your friends on the back fence. Another form of
exercise can be imposed by sitting just out of reach of the human
when he/she wants to pet you, so that he/she has to get up and
move over. When you are being brushed, don't sit still for it,
but move arould all over the place, forcing the human to follow
you around or else pick you up and hold you. And of course
there's the Big Chase when you steal something like a chicken
leg.
If you are scolded for any reason, however (un)justly, fix
upon your human your most forlorn and repentent gaze. This will
induce such guilt and remorse in that human that she will
immediately scoop you up and cuddle you, apologize profusely and
offer you a favorite treat.
Occasionally, human ignorance demands a blunt response. If
your humans have the gall to "discipline" you with a
squirt bottle, the proper strategy is to abscond with the
offending item when no one is looking, and hide it behind the
couch or at the back of the most cluttered closet. Many months
later the fools will stumble over it, but they will get the
message.
It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark,
just when the day is young and the masters of the house are fresh
and ready for play. It is known, however, that sleeping humans
are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused
to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to
retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them
strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called
"wee hours". Some will even pretend to be asleep even
when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go away.
Persistence is the key to success in any case.
One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the
"direct approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing
one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling
any exposed parts, pulling hair (or clawing the bald spot),
purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or
playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill".
If the human tries to hide under the covers, s/he is now a huge
Bed Mouse (see GAMES) and can be treated
accordingly. This may only result in your being ejected from the
bed, but at least you now have the human's attention.
If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more
drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds,
knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the
dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even curling up on
the human's head (often the only visible part). As well as being
warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the
human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be
unlikely to wait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump,
walk or knead on the human's abdomen, where the bladder is
located. If the human hasn't been to the Big White Drinking Bowl
during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually
the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing
some bad language while doing so.
WARNING: It is not advised to do this on a regular
basis. It will very likely result in your being
"banished" from and denied access to the bedroom
altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get
them to respond to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may
be initially effective, but will likely result in being further
banished to the basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is
thus strongly recommended.
Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to
go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding
while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.
In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave
the domain every morning (usually before you take your first Cat
nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage
their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top of them in
bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also WAKING THEM UP. The best time to do this is
about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We
must protect them from the noise because it could ruin their
sense of hearing.
On some mornings, usually on the days the humans call Saturday
and Sunday, the humans often want to stay in bed longer than
usual. They resist attempts to rouse them more than ever. They
will reluctantly get up to feed us and then return to bed, hoping
that we will leave them alone. This should not be allowed.
Sleeping humans are essentially ignoring us, which is a Bad
Thing, so once you have eaten your breakfast, continue your
campaign to get them out of bed. See WAKING THEM
UP.
- Quickly determine which guest hates (or is allergic to)
Cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for
particularly bad "tuna breath" (or extra
dander), so much the better.
- For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs,
select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For
example: white-furred Cats go to black wool clothing.
NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
- For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!",
be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or
arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
- When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be
prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The
idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate
this behavior when company is not there.
- Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
Undoubtedly THE best way to get attention from a human is to
jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it
makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear
scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be
yours. Some Cats like this treatment a little TOO much and
acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also
provide golden opportunities for shedding--be sure to take
advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also GUESTS). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying
tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like
answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking
Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive
meows. Some laps may require "softening up" with a
little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may
have an unexpected flying lesson! Note that the occasional
adoring gaze with half-closed eyes directed toward your human,
especially when you are curled up in his/her lap purring and
being petted, will keep him/her eating out of your paw for weeks.
(Do not spoil your human by doing this too often.)
Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They
especially like what they think are their pets to be predictable.
So if you are in the mood to indulge in a little low-risk
mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option. The usual
method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to
yourself and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an
unsuspecting toy. If there are two or more Cats in the household,
you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each other. This is
usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along with
"Crazy Cat(s)" muttered under his/her breath.
Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage
across a carpet (at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical
leap into the air. Then continue on as if nothing had happened.
If you're skilled enough, you may be able to convince the
human(s) that there are "rug worms" in the house. A
third way, which isn't quite as fun as the others but which tends
to get better reactions from the humans, is to stare fixedly at a
blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of the room, or whatever, and
pretend to carry on a conversation with another Cat. The humans,
who may already be convinced that you're from outer space, will
think you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter
People". If they start talking about mailing you to Mars,
it's a good idea to lay off this prank for a while.
Let's face it, humans are a
disorganized lot. They need constant supervision in order to get
things done right and on time, such as feeding their masters,
retrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in keeping
their masters' home organized. They have to be continually
reminded that things belong on the floor, not on shelves,
bookcases, tables or dressers where accessing them may be
inconvenient for their masters. It will be up to you to keep your
household properly organized. Feel free to take items such as
pens, buttons, waste paper (such as the stuff they call "tax
return"), and unsuitable toys and relocate them to better
spots, such as the water bowl, under the stove, or down the
hot-air ducts (humans are always grateful if you do this with tax
returns). This should be done when the humans aren't around, as
they will always interfere. When the human discovers your
handiwork, he will praise you with such words as "Damned
Cat!" and "You little monster!"; however this
praise is usually best accepted from under the bed until the
human finds something else to get excited about.
Occasionally your humans will want to go away on a
"vacation" or "trip" and, knowing that you
hate travelling, will want to leave you behind. The choice of
boarding at the vet's or a kennel is to be avoided at all costs,
which implies that you have to find another human in the
neighbourhood who will be willing to look after you when your
humans are away. This is usually not hard to do when you're able
to patrol the neighbourhood, but if you're a house or apartment
Cat, you'll be stuck with whatever human your humans can find.
In most respects, the substitute
performs the same functions as the regular human, i.e. feeding,
changing the litterbox, and perhaps even playing with you. Since
most substitutes don't know your feeding habits, try extra hard
to get more food. A few minutes after you've cleaned out your
dish, go into "feed me" mode again. Be especially
piteous, using the Big Soulful Eyes, low moans, extra
head-butting and rubbing, Meaningful Stares at the empty dish,
and all the other tricks that sometimes work on your more
hard-hearted regular humans.
If the substitute performs poorly, like showing up late for
your feeding times, let your regular humans know your displeasure
with the usual punishment, like wetting the bath mat, clawing
furniture, etc.
Humans exercise very poor judgment in entertaining themselves,
for example, in the amount of time they spend watching that
inexplicable object, the television. They may be permitted to
watch a reasonable number of hours of television per week (if
they are getting their homework and chores, such as feeding,
petting and litter-changing, done) but the responsible cat will
not allow excessive television, will not use the television as a
babysitter, and will supervise its humans' viewing choices. The
loving cat will try to improve its humans' taste by walking on
the cable box to change the channel to a more appropriate show.
If there is really nothing good on, it may be advisable to order
something from Pay-Per-View by walking on the cable box. Other
opportunities to Hamper exist with other high-tech toys, as listed above. Participation
in the humans' board games is also listed
under Hampering.
Children, also known as mini-humans, are two-legged Cat
Hazards until they are about the age of 4, by which time they
will have been suitably trained in proper behaviour towards their
masters. Until this time, they are best avoided unless they are
properly restrained in cribs, playpens, swings, or other
mobility-reducing gadgets, due to their tendency for grabbing
tails or other extremities, unpredictable howling, screaming, and
occasionally vomiting, falling down (with you being seen as a
potential cushion) and more often than not noxious aromas. If you
are in a household with a mini-human, it is a good idea to have
hiding spots scouted out in every room to which you can dash if
in a hurry. If you live with, or are, a Fraidy
Cat, then these spots will already be marked (and if not,
you'll soon find out where Fraidy Cats come from). Practice
vanishing at the sound of "Ba-ba-ba KITTY!". Spend time
enjoying the fresh air outdoors. But don't scratch, bite, or
attack the mini-human unless you are in the presence of one of
the big humans and know they have seen an atrocity committed to
your Dignity. Otherwise you will always be blamed. Do not
allow jealousy at the decrease in the amount of attention you get
to you, just be more ingenious in getting it for yourself by
increasing Hampering activities. Steal diapers and run with them
when the mini-human is being changed, knock over the bottles of
baby stuff, and do whatever you can to get any milk the baby
gets.
You can have fun with children if they are in a restraining
device by standing just out of reach and "talking" to
them or washing yourself. Lurking under the high chair can often
be rewarded by free food, however, and once the mini-human is
sufficiently developed you can even occasionally cooperate with
him/her to steal more food. Overall, patience, steady nerves, and
good hiding places will get you through the dangerous times.
The vet is the person to whom your human
will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there
are usually other Cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful
things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The
usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you
just can't let those humans Cathandle you. The following are some
tips for dealing with vets and medicine.
- Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come
out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under
the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs
you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is
difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is
trying to put you in with another Cat, try to allow the
other Cat to bolt out the door. In the car, meow
plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible,
reach through the bars of the portable prison and try to
claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet's, splay your
legs and brace yourself against the carrier's walls if
you can so that they can't dump you out easily.
- If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed
you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the
pill bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts
to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine
is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your
head vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill
into to your mouth and are still holding you waiting for
you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your
mouth. Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding
place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not
find the hiding place, so they think that you took the
pill. Don't use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any
food that looks or smells like it may have had medicine
sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY
unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept
grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is
over.
- If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you
cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there
is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the
carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as
the human's bare foot.
- When you get sick in the house, you should hover around
the general area until a human spots the mess. You should
act as if you are guarding the stuff for the human and
then quickly vacate the room.
- If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to
scarf down as much grass as possible (while not being
spotted). After ingesting a "critical mass"
amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in
the house. After entering the house head for the
traditional illness locations and let it rip.
- If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep,
you can retch as loudly as possible so that the human
will wake up. That failing, choose a location where the
human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see
very well in the morning and need assistance in locating
the mess. If the human has neglected you by leaving (see MORNINGS), cover the fruits of your
labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the
desk. That way you can soil another object besides the
carpet.
When a group of humans who share a similar interest get
together on a regular basis, it is often called a
"club". Needless to say, Cats thought of the idea
first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we
have our own. Listed below are the ones that the humans have
identified, along with their names for the clubs; for security
reasons (in case this document falls into the hands of a human)
the ones they haven't identified have not been listed. As with
humans, Cats are not restricted to membership in one club and may
belong to many. Each entry consists of a brief description of
typical club members, the average human's reaction to a member's
activities, nicknames for club members, and the club's motto.
- The "Bed Hog" Club
- Cats who are members of this club like to sleep on their
humans' bed. Of course, in order to sleep comfortably a
Cat needs some room and it is often necessary to push the
sleeping humans around a bit to make it, especially if
there are two humans and/or two or more Cats. In
households with more than one club member, skilled Cats
who cooperate can make the humans resemble pretzels
(which are great snacks, by the way) by morning or even
fall out of the bed entirely. Some members of the Club
have figured out how to maximize their comfort by
immobilizing sleeping humans so that their tossing and
turning does not disturb the Cats. The tactic requires
two Cats, both of which should be relatively
mass-enhanced (never "fat"!) who should settle
on the covers on either side of the human, effectively
restricting movement. This is not viable if the human
likes to sleep near the side of the bed!
Human reactions: cuddling, nocturnal yoga
positions, expulsion of Cats.
Nicknames: Big Lump, Extra Blanket, Bed Warmer.
Club motto: "Move over, you big lummox!"
- The "Chatterbox" Club
- Members of this club love to talk to their humans, giving
advice and/or criticism on practically anything they do.
They are convinced that given enough time, they will be
able to teach even the densest human how to take verbal
commands.
Human reactions: "No comments from the peanut
gallery!", "Shaddap!"
Nicknames: Motormouth, Blabbermouth, Noisy,
Backtalk.
Club motto: "What do you mean, shut up?"
- The "Door Into Summer" Club
- This Club mainly performs its activities during the cold
months or when it is raining. After a human obeys the
master's command to open a door and a blast of cold air
fills the room or rain splashes the Cat, the Cat wrinkles
his/her nose and walks away. The ritual continues at each
door in the house (sometimes including closets) until the
human either kicks the Cat out the door, or decides to
ignore the Cat altogether. In the first case, the Cat
must bounce up to the window and squawk to be let in
while looking as pathetic as possible. In the second, the
Cat must attempt to make the human want to let him/her
out. See HAMPERING for suggestions. Human
reactions: Annoyance, foot under the butt to fling
you out anyways.
Nicknames: Waffler, Stupid Cat, Politician.
Club motto: "Just because it's nasty out
front doesn't mean it is at the back."
- The "Early Breakfast" Club
- Cats belonging to this club love to walk into their
human's bedroom at some early hour, say, 3 a.m. They then
awaken the human (see WAKING THEM UP
and MORNINGS) insisting on being fed.
These Cats believe that their humans can be trained to be
awake during prime play time. Be aware, however, that
humans are stubborn and may instead lock Cats out of the
bedroom, squirt them or do other anti-social things
instead of feeding them.
Human reactions: Grogginess, ignoring, throwing
things, general hostility.
Nicknames: Pest Kitty, various expletives
Club motto: "Life begins after
midnight."
- The "Elephant Cat" Club
- It is usual but not necessary for there to be more than
one member of this club per household.
"Elephant" Cats for some perverse reason enjoy
making their nocturnal games, such as "Kibble
Soccer", "Tag", and "Rumpus
Raising" (see GAMES) as noisy as
possible by thundering around home and knocking things
over or off the tables, counters, etc. They believe that
half the fun is getting the human to participate too.
Human Reactions: Throwing things, squirting,
chasing, shouting.
Nicknames: Bigfoot, Thunderball, Godzilla Cat,
Light Brigade.
Club motto: "Did you see the look on his face
when..."
- The Fraidy Cat Club
- To this club belong the Cats of nervous and/or neurotic
disposition. Any strange object or human is to be treated
as a mortal danger until it is absolutely certain it
isn't dangerous. They even have to keep an eye on the
humans they know, just in case. These Cats know all of
the good hiding spots in the house/apartment, including
the ones that humans swear no Cat could fit into, and are
generally of little use to anybody except when it is
checkup time at the vet's and it is important to be
invisible.
Human Reactions: Laughter, dragging from under the
bed, cruel jokes.
Nicknames: Coward, Mr/Ms Invisible, Spooky, Furry
Chicken.
Club motto: "Yeek! What's THAT?"
- The "Garbage Truck" Club
- Members of this club firmly believe that human food is
God's gift to Cats and that the kitchen and/or dining
room are the centre of the universe. Anything that falls
onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and if the Cat
can contrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily,
so much the better. Hopping onto the counter to clean the
plates or getting into the garbage can to check for
leftovers are both considered acceptable, and the Master
Garbage Truck is the one who can do this without getting
squirted or otherwise "punished" by the humans.
Human Reactions: Squirting, chasing, throwing
things, ejection outside.
Nicknames: Stomach with Legs, Garburator,
Bottomless Pit, Greedo, Oinker, Treat-Seeking Missile.
Club motto: "I'll help you eat that!"
- The Heat-Seeking Missile Club
- These Cats believe in keeping warm at all costs. The best
method is to lie right up against the heating vent. Make
sure all the warm air is absorbed into your fur. Careful
grooming will be necessary to prevent a bad dandruff
problem. When the heat is not running, more creative
solutions must be found. Caving into the Cat bed, human
bed, or any afghan or blanket available is good. It's
best if the blanket was already mounded up, so that the
Cat is completely invisible underneath. As a last resort,
curl up on a lap or with another Cat.
Human Reactions: Indifference, "Where'd all
this Cat hair come from?"
Nicknames Comfort Creature, Hot Stuff.
Club motto: "It's cold out there!"
- The Hedonist Club
- Members of this club (and it is a very large one!) firmly
believe that they can do whatever they want to and that
no rules, human or otherwise, should apply to them. If
they're hungry, they want food NOW; if they want to be
petted it had better be NOW; no area should be "off
limits", including counters and dressers; and so on.
Attempts to discipline Hedonists will have no effect at
all, no matter how draconian the punishment or how soaked
the Cat gets from repeated squirting. Closed doors are a
Great Affront to Hedonists who view them as a Restriction
of Freedom. See also DOORS. This
includes cupboards, cabinets, and closets.
Human Reactions: Shouting, swearing, chasing,
squirting, ejection from house.
Nicknames You Little Monster, Menace To Society,
various expletives.
Club motto: "No? What does that mean?"
- The "Hiyo Silver!" Club
- Cats who belong to this club have discovered that riding
on their human's shoulders is a good, albeit somewhat
precarious, way of staying with and supervising the
human, as well as a free source of transportation. Since
humans are much taller than Cats, shoulders also provide
an excellent launch point for otherwise inaccessible
areas like high shelves which often have things on them
which must be investigated for potential as toys and/or
food. Getting on the shoulders is the easy part;
directing the human to where you want to go (i.e. the
shelves) is not, especially if the human has figured out
that you want to go there and deliberately avoids it.
Sadly, there is no way to direct them, so it is best to
just climb on and hope the human's activities naturally
lead him or her to your desired destination. Be careful
about using claws! Though the human expects a certain
amount of claws due to your needs to maintain balance,
excessive use will lead to unceremonious dumping. So will
too-frequent attempts to Hamper, such
as ear nibbling, hair chewing, swatting with the tail, or
changing positions, as well as being "too fat".
Human Reactions: Petting, scratching, dumping,
"I am not a perch!".
Nicknames: (Cat fur colour) Rider, High-Jumper.
Club motto: Move a bit closer to that shelf!
- The "Lap Fungus" Club
- Members of this club specialize in enslaving humans for
the purpose of sleeping on their laps. As soon as a human
is seated, his/her lap becomes available and should be
occupied at once, after which time the Cat can get as
much attention as s/he wants. See also LAPS.
Human Reactions: Petting, scratching, acceptance,
reluctance to get up.
Nicknames: Cuddler, Blanket Substitute, Shedding
Machine.
Club motto: "Sit down and I'll be your
friend."
- The Lazy Slug Club
- Membership in this club consists primarily of Cats who
have passed the prime of their lives, and now regard
being active as something to be avoided and inertness as
an art form. A member's favourite game is
"Snooze" (see GAMES). Any
activity consists primarily of moving from one favourite
sleeping spot to another, or to the litter box or food
dish, though the occasional fit of playfulness is usually
unavoidable due to the energy that does slowly build up.
Humans usually refer (in a less than respectful manner)
to members as Lap Fungus, Couch Fungus, or [insert any
approximately horizontal surface] Fungus. This sort of
lese-majeste should earn a human a shredding, but few
members can be bothered to do more than glower balefully
or twitch the tail. Lazy Slugs are easily recognized by
their willingness to be brushed. After all, if the human
is willing to groom them, why not let them have their
wish? And it does reduce the hairball problem.
Human Reactions: Incredulity, checking for signs
of life.
Nicknames: Lump, Obstacle, Still Life.
Club motto: "Zzzzz".
Bad weather, in the form of rain, snow, and/or excessive cold
or heat, is always the fault of the humans. If the weather is
inclement when the human opens the door to let you out, back away
hastily and try another door. See also the "Door
into Summer" Club. Be sure to stare accusingly at the
human during this session. If all doors have the same bad weather
and you manage not to get booted out, hop onto a window sill and
gaze mournfully out at your domain. Then try again in about half
an hour.
Being a kitten is probably the best time
of a Cat's life. As a kitten, you can do almost anything and get
away with it because, as the humans say, "Aww, (s)he's so
cute!" Practice the "butter won't melt in my
mouth" Look of Total Innocence now, as it is much more
effective than when you are full-grown and "should know
better". Even if you are caught in the act of some mischief,
the Look can can considerably reduce the scolding, and if mixed
with the appropriate amount of fake penitence, get you picked up
and cuddled.
Be sure to make full use of all your excess energy by tearing
around the house at full speed, attacking anything that moves,
climbing the drapes, scooting across tables, counters and
shelves, taste-testing plants and cords, and generally driving
the humans crazy. When exhausted, flop down anywhere comfortable
and sleep. After waking up, eat and continue the fun! You will
quickly learn that night-time is the best time for playing
because so many things can hide in the shadows.
When marking your territory (spraying or plain urinating),
make sure that it is in a place which the human *must* notice,
such as the middle of the bed, on wallpaper, or against the
fabric of a sofa or chair. Marking your territory is important if
the human is silly enough to bring "company" for you
inside the house. YOU are king of the household, not the human,
and if the human has any Catsense at all, it will know this.
Also, if the human has washed the blanket or other item which you
have marked, be sure to wait a couple of days, and mark the item
again in the very same place.
As a species, dogs are animals which
are in every way inferior to Cats. They are noisy, smelly, dirty,
totally dependent on humans, and stupid (have you ever seen a Cat
tangle with a skunk at all, let alone more than once?).
Unfortunately, they are also for the most part larger than Cats.
They are aware of their inferiority and quite resentful of it,
using their greater size to harass Cats by chasing and/or barking
at them at any opportunity in feeble attempts to make themselves
appear superior to their betters. Dog-baiting can be a vastly
entertaining sport if the dog is safely tied up in its yard or
inside its human's house. A Cat with nerves of steel can perch on
a window sill and wash him/herself while the dog within hurls
itself at the window on the other side in a frenzy of rage. Of
course, should the human inside let the dog out, said Cat had
better have somewhere to run for shelter! Of course, this is not
to say that Cats and dogs can't be friends or even live with the
same humans, especially if both are raised from birth with each
other, but these are exceptions. If you are on friendly terms
with other cats, you can cooperate with them in dog-baiting to
lure the dumb beast into a spot where you can all beat it up
together. This can be risky if the dog is large and of a nasty
temperament, so judge your target carefully!
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you
start early and are consistent. You will then have a
smooth-running household.
Send other rules or suggested modifications to me, Harold Reynolds
The Original Author appears to have been Gary Bogue.
The following agents of the Cat Slave Intelligence Service
have made valuable contributions to the Cat Rules, at great risk
to themselves:
Lisa Abildskov, Dave Blackburn, Vicki Burtch, Karen Davis,
Carolyn Devries, Thomas DiSessa, Denise Donaghy, Sandy Feldman,
Kevin Fox, Mary Fox, Paul Gilbert, Brenda Haramis, Jamie
Hilverding, Ulrike Jaeger, Jocelyn Jenik, Beth Johnson, Derrick
Kirk, Connie Kleinjans, Karen Kotchek, Barb Kuchera, Dennis
Kunze, Phillip Lafleur, Matthew Lecher, Ashley Madaris, Jules
May, Patsy Mays, Megan McGuire, Dave Merriman, Susette Newberry,
John Novello, Mollie O'Dell, Wes Peters, Kris Porto, Sally
Santiago, Werner Schwab, Evelyn Shockley, Susan Hattie
Steinsapir, Kelly Tapani, Molly Thomas, Julian Vrieslander, Erin
Valentino, Catherine Wightwick, Steven Woodford, Elizabeth
Worden.
Illustrations contributed (with many thanks!) and copyright by
Paul J. Lareau, and placed by Laurie Miller,
maintainer of the The Malcolm Cat
Protection Society (in Cyprus) WWW site.
