ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time. >> AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes. >> AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye. >> BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals. >> BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected. >> CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. >> DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?" >> DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will "remove' all the germs. >> ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror. >> EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit. >> ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater. >> ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive. >> FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. >> LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the "illegal' side. >> NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life. >> PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper. >> PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet. >> PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer. >> PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it. >> TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
=========================================================================== More humor that is supposed to bring good luck. IMPORTANT: Do not keep this message, pass it on to five people. * Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? * Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? * Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? * Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? * Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? * Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? * Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? * How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? * I heard sponges grow in the ocean. Can you imagine how deep the ocean would be without them? * If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? * If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? * If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? * If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? * Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? * Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? * Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? * You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? * Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? * Did you know who in 1923 was: 1. President of the largest steel company? 2. President of the largest das company? 3. President of the New York Stock Exchange? 4. Greatest wheat speculator? 5. President of the Bank of International Settlement? 6. Great Bear of Wall Street? * These men should have been considered some of the world's most successful men. At least they found the secret of making money. Now more than 55 years later, do you know what has become of these men? 1. The President of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper. 2. The President of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, is insane. 3. The President of the N.Y.S.E., Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home. 4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless. 5. The President of the Bank of International Settlement shot himself. 6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Rivermore, died of suicide. * BUT, that same year, 1923, Gene Sarazan, won the U.S. Open and most other PGA tournaments. Today he is still playing golf and is solvent. CONCLUSION: STOP WORRYING ABOUT BUSINESS AND START PLAYING GOLF __________________________ GO NAVY!!! Believe it or not, this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95. US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. CND reply: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course! US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!! CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call. This is long, but some parts are really funny (to me anyway). _________________________________________________________________________ Dilbert Newsletter 12.0 ----------------------- To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams Date: August 1996 (Use Courier 12 point font for proper formatting) Highlights: ------------------------------------------------ - True Tales of Induhviduals - Practical jokes for the office - Scott's trip report for The Dilbert Principle - Dogbert answers my mail ------------------------------------------------ DNRC Status ----------- Every one of the 135,000 members of DNRC continues to get smarter and sexier with each issue of the newsletter. Coincidence? Hardly. Each sentence you read here is designed to tone your brain and stimulate the release of potent pheromones. I know it's working because I'm on an airplane as I write this and a woman in a blue outfit offered me a pillow and a blanket. You don't have to be Sigmund Freud to know what she's thinking. If this trend continues we might have to require the people who are not in the DNRC (the Induhviduals) to keep themselves sealed in airtight plastic bags so they don't sniff our pheromones, go into heat and start clinging to our legs in a most unsightly fashion. I don't have to tell you that it would be a tragedy to put six billion Induhviduals in airtight plastic bags, because the first thing you know, someone in the DNRC will want to keep a sandwich fresh and there won't be any plastic left. Responsibility -------------- When Dogbert conquers the planet and makes all the Induhviduals our domestic servants, you will take your place as the new ruling class. With this power comes certain responsibilities. Luckily, since we'll rule the world, we can ignore those responsibilities and issue generous stock options to ourselves whenever we're feeling blue. Unknown Induhviduals -------------------- I'm writing this section of the newsletter on my laptop computer while sitting in the Orlando airport. The announcement on the public address system keeps saying, "Please don't accept any packages from unknown Induhviduals." Apparently this is a big problem in Orlando. I've gotten three packages from Induhviduals since I sat down. They're hideous things, made of carpet and bits of old newspapers, held together by bailing twine, stinking of french fries. And that's just the Induhviduals themselves -- the packages look worse. DNRC Currency ------------- After Dogbert conquers the planet, there will be one type of currency: a big steel penny, about the size of a flapjack and weighing four pounds. Dogbert's picture will be on one side and his waggish tail on the other. It will be called the pennybert, worth the equivalent of one cent U.S. DNRC members won't need money after the conquest, since we'll own everything. The new coins will only be used to make life more difficult for the Induhviduals. If one of them asks us for some illogical or unreasonable favor (as they are inclined to do) we can say, "Let's flip a coin." If the Induhvidual succeeds in getting the coin airborne, there's a reasonable chance that it will knock the Induhvidual unconconscious on the way back down. And that can be good for a laugh. It's not sophisticated humor, granted, but it only costs a pennybert. Each pennybert will carry a phrase that was suggested by a DNRC member who is studying Latin but hasn't gotten to the advanced courses yet: Ille Albus Canne Vinco Homines That either means, "The white dog conquers humankind," or it means something that several people told me I couldn't say in this newsletter, despite the fact that it is very funny. So supply your own joke here, please. Clues for Induhviduals ---------------------- The following 11 tips for Induhviduals are based on allegedly true stories reported from DNRC observers in the field. If one Induhvidual is stymied by something, it's a safe bet that they all are, so this should help a lot. 1. If you're bidding on a job for UPS, don't send your bid by FedEx. 2. If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button. 3. If you want your refrigerator's ice maker to work, you need to hook it to a water source. Air doesn't make good ice unless it is mixed with water. 4. No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier. 5. A bad place to store your emergency backup diskette is on the underside of your desk drawer, secured by a large magnet. 6. It's okay to use the Poloroid Land Camera on a boat. 7. When the PC says, "Insert diskette #2," don't do it immediately. Remove disk #1 first, even if you're sure you can make them both fit in there. 8. When your PC says "You have mail," don't go to the company mail room and look for a package. 9. The French version of Netscape Navigator doesn't translate English language web pages into French. 10. If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't. 11. If you go to the computer store to buy a mousepad, you don't have to specify whether it's for a Windows or a Macintosh. Practical Jokes for the Office ------------------------------ >From DNRC operatives: Prank #1: Using the conferencing feature of your office phone, dial one Induhvidual, then while it's ringing dial another and conference them together. Put your own phone on mute and listen to see how long they'll make small talk before figuring out that neither one placed the call. Prank #2: Microsoft Word has an autocorrect spelling function in its latest version. This function automatically corrects spelling mistakes as you type. The wonderful part of it is that you can add words to the autocorrect dictionary...including words that do not exist. If your co-worker leaves his computer unsecure, you're home free. For example, you could set it up so that the boss's first name, Bob, is autocorrected to Boob whenever the Induhvidual types it. Or set paradigm to autocorrect to "puredumb." If you're good, you can get your co-worker disciplined for sexual harassment plus any number of diversity-related violations. Prank #3: Get a greeting card that plays an insidious tune. Wrap the musical chip in cotton and tape it in on top of a ceiling tile in the victim's office. Make it quiet enough that the victim only hears it when it's especially silent. Act like he's crazy when he asks you if you hear music. Prank #4: Put an official-looking sign over the control pad of your office fax or copy machine that says it is now voice activated. The sign should direct the users to say their full name in a loud, crisp voice (for tracking purposes of course) followed by the desired commands, e.g., "This is Bruce Induhvidual, give me ten copies, no staple." Prank Report: (a DNRC field report from a mission completed) An Induhvidual left his e-mail account online after he left work. The next day his boss asked him why he sent a message asking to take a shower with him in the locker room. The pranked Induhvidual could not remember sending out the e-mail containing that suggestion. Induhviduals Calling Tech Support --------------------------------- ...another true tale from tech support: Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." Induhvidual: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support: "Well?" Induhvidual: "How do I know when it's ready? True Tales of Induhviduals -------------------------- These true tales of Induhviduals have been reported by DNRC members: My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" ----- A co-worker was playing with an astronomy program called 'Distant Suns' when an Induhvidual walked by, noticed his monitor and inquired what he was doing. He replied that he was connected to the Hubbell telescope and was manipulating its view from his keyboard over the Internet. He even let this person take a try at moving our NASA's multi-million dollar telescope himself, just by clicking the mouse and the arrow keys! The person could not pry himself away, thinking he was working with the Hubbell and could not wait to tell his wife what he had done at work. ----- An Induhvidual in my office was having trouble with his e-mail. I overheard him discussing the fact that people to whom he had mailed things yesterday had not yet received the messages. I asked about the e-mail "outbasket" and he replied that there was nothing there because he had cleaned it all out this morning. A stunned silence followed while I attempted to not laugh, and then I asked him if he meant that he deleted everything in the outbasket. Yup. Oops. It must be rough being the new guy. ----- Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. Hey, interns work free. ----- I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough - there was 40 cents. [editor's note: Maybe there was some confusion over the phrase "screen saver." ] ----- One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You mean the letter i?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" ----- This Induhvidual had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back and forth. ----- I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a sandwich. [Editor's note: No, I don't believe this one either.] ----- I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The Induhvidual who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" ---- Here's the set up: I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to fit your television screen." Comment from Induhvidual: "How do they know what size screen I have?" ------ A fun thing to write on a restroom stall, if in fact we were people who write things on restroom stalls: Left wall: Right wall: -------------------------- -------------------------- INDUHVIDUAL NECK EXERCISES INDUHVIDUAL NECK EXERCISES see other wall see other wall Induhvidual Song ---------------- DNRC Saint Diana Wales submits this song for Induhviduals: (Sung to the tune of "Unforgetable" by Nat King Cole) In-duh-vidual, that's what you are In-duh-vidual, not up to par Like a light on when nobody's home You think a "hard drive" is traffic heading home Never before Has someone been more... In-duh-vidual, in every way And forever more That's how you'll stay That's why it's just unforgiveable There are so many Induhviduals blah, blah, blah Usage: Hum or whistle the theme to this song when you are in the presence of Induhvidualism and wish to indicate it to another DNRCer. ---- Dogbert Answers My Mail ----------------------- In this section, Dogbert answers my mail because I'm too nice to say these sorts of things. Dear Dogbert, I have noticed that the DNRC newsletter is becoming too commercial. An increasingly large percentage is wasted with advertisements for Dilbert products. Please correct this or I will cancel my subscription! R. Bullock Dear Mr. Buttocks, Thanks for your valuable observation about the FREE Dilbert Newsletter. I didn't notice that the FREE Newsletter had a commercial component. It's probably a clerical error. If you send me your address I'll apologize personally about the commercial content of the FREE Dilbert Newsletter by sending you one of the new Dilbert greeting cards from Hallmark, the full line of which is available in a store near you. On second thought, if it's already in a store near you, it would be faster if you go get it yourself. If the store tries to make you give them money, threaten to stop being a customer. You don't have to stand for that sort of shoddy treatment. Dogbert ---- Dear Mr. Adams, I am the president of the Rhode Island Philately Society. We are having our monthly "Stampboree" and wondered if you would draw some cartoons for our announcements. I can't pay you anything, but you would be invited to attend the event. It's a great place to meet intelligent people. Bob Dear Blob, Mr. Adams is normally very busy. But nothing could be more important than helping people who worship defective postage stamps. Count him in! And I'm sure he will want to attend an event with a bunch of lonely guys who stand around saying things like, "Look at this! It's never been licked!" Dogbert Scott's Trip Report ------------------- This is being written during my whirlwind book tour to promote The Dilbert Principle. I will give you a summary of each location I visit so you don't have to go to any of these places yourself when you write a best-selling book. Philadelphia: My escort (not what you think) drove me past the little plexiglass shack that contains the Liberty Bell. From the road I could make out a large crack, which, it turns out, was the backside of a huge tourist with sagging pants who blocked my view of the bell. It was bigger than I had imagined. Chicago: This is a difficult city for a vegetarian like me. Most of the restaurants have three choices for how you can have your cow prepared: 1) Dead, 2) Dying, 3) Really pissed-off. Chicagoans aren't buying into the "well done" concept that is being hyped by the liberal media. Much of my time was spent arguing that fish and chicken are not vegetables in the classic sense of the word. Minnesota: They call it the "Land of 10,000 lakes." I was immediately suspicious of this state because it seemed like 10,000 is too round a number to be true. Could this state be so boring that all they have to boast about is the number of holes filled with rainwater? Upon further investigation, it turns out that the lake thing is all part of an elaborate plot to keep people from moving into their secret paradise. Further evidence of a conspiracy: the temperature in Minnesota is actually 60 to 75 degrees all year long! But the weasly residents go out of their way to tell you that you came on "...the only nice day this year. Normally it's 400 degrees below zero and your tongue breaks off if you try to say any word with a hard consonant in it." Except for being liars, the Minnesotans are nice people. But I never got used to their mumbling. Texas: I've heard that everything is bigger in Texas, so I was really looking forward to my shower. But it was a lie. I still had to use my hands to adjust the shower knobs. It's so hot there in the summer that the weather report is expressed in terms of how many minutes you can be outside before being killed by the sun. The weather yesterday was four minutes. New York City: No matter how many times I visit this great city I'm always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxi cab. But the thing that makes up for the bruises, that makes me forget the pervasive stench, that makes me appreciate the oppressive humidity and the grey crust on my lungs, is the lovely disposition of the residents. Strangers on the street will walk right up to you and ask questions like, "Are you looking at me?" and "Do you want a date?" You don't get that kind of caring from aloof midwesterners. Sending Ideas for Dilbert ------------------------- Most of my ideas for the strip come from e-mail. (Thanks to all of you who took the time. I'm sorry I can't give personal responses to all of you.) The best suggestions are ***BRIEF*** theme ideas, not dialog or long stories. If something made you mad or amazed or amused today -- and you can explain it in a paragraph or less -- it's probably good fodder. And I'd love to see it. Some parts of your messages may be quoted by me for articles, books or interviews. They will be paraphrased if I think it's necessary to conceal the identity of the author or to condense a story. I never disclose names. Send suggestions to me, not a reply to the newsletter address. I'm at scottadams@aol.com. And your best bet is to wait at least two weeks from receiving the newsletter, because I get about a thousand messages a day in that period. Thanks! Dilbert and Dogbert Investment Opportunities -------------------------------------------- Many of you have all the food and shelter that you need and still have some money left over. That money should be wisely invested. This can be a bewildering task, trying to sort out all of the complicated alternatives like mutual funds, t-bills, convertible debentures and variable annuities. It's enough to make your head spin. Fortunately there's one easy-to-understand, reliable investment that is right for everyone: Buying Dilbert crap. For your investment convenience I have listed the many sources of fine Dilbert investments that are available to you. Newest Dilbert Books: - "The Dilbert Principle" Hard cover, business themes, #1 NY Times Best Seller HarperBusiness (ISBN 0-88730-787-6) - "Still Pumped from Using the Mouse" a compilation covering 12/14/92 - 9/27/93 Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-1026-3) Upcoming Dilbert Books (due October 1996): - "Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook" Hard cover, in handbook format, text and comics HarperBusiness (ISBN 0-88730-788-4) - "Fugitive From the Cubicle Police" Compilation covering 9/28/93 to 2/22/95 Andrews and McMeel (ISBN 0-8362-2119-2) Calendars due in stores this Fall from Andrews and McMeel: 800-826-4216 - Page-a-day - Wall calendar - Engagement calendar - Datebook Mugs: - United Media web store: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434 - Signals Catalog: 1-800-669-9696 - Gift and book stores, from OZ: 816-932-6543 - Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605 Stuffed Dilbert and Dogbert: - United Media web store: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434 - Signals Catalog: 800-669-9696 T-shirts, sweatshirts - Retail stores, from Quality Classics: 800-735-7185 - Retail stores, from Logotel: 410-884-3948 - Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605 Caps - Retail stores, from Quality Classics 800-735-7185 Neckties and boxer shorts (silk and polyester) - Retail stores, from Ralph Marlin: 800-922-8437 Neckties (Dilbert-like tie with flip-up feature) - United Media web: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert US: 800-882-6450 International: +1-612-948-5434 Suspenders - Retail stores, from Rainbow Connection: 800-500-7877 Mousepads and wrist rests - Computer and business supply stores, from Ring King Visibles: 800-272-2366 - Selected stores, Hallmark, Inc. (mousepads only): 816-274-7605 Framed, signed reproductions of select strips from Classcom: 514-747-9492 - Signals Catalog: 800-669-9696 Framed, UNsigned reproductions of select strips - United Media web: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert US: 800-882-6450. International: +1-612-948-5434 Magnets - Postcard magnets from Global Imprints: 770-492-0406 (these can be mailed using a $0.33 stamp). - Packaged sets from Caryco: 206-325-2767 - Individual magnets from Hallmark, Inc.: 816-274-7605 Animated Dilbert videos Cohen/Gebler Associates US 800-208-3535 International: +1-617-262-4242 - Meeting openers (various topics) - Dogbert's Do-it-Yourself Tech Test Custom internal company communication programs using Dilbert Cohen/Gebler Associates US 800-208-3535 International: +1-617-262-4242 - Employee training - Internal communications - Employee meetings/events From Hallmark, Inc. and available in selected stores: 816-274-7605 - Greeting cards - Playing cards - Lunch bags - Memo pads - Self-stick notes - Stickers - T-shirts - Mouse pads - Mugs - Paper prints - Magnets From OZ, available in selected stores: 816-932-6543 - Mini books - Gift books - Postcard book - Mugs - Bookmarks Post-It brand notes - Retail stores, from 3M: 612-736-6965 Medical and dental client communications from Smart Practice: 602-225-0595 - Postcards - Re-call cards Dilbert Books backlist ---------------------- "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies" (original material about working at a big company), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1757-8) "Always Postpone Meetings with Time-Wasting Morons" (a compilation of the first year), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1758-6) "Clues for the Clueless" from Andrews and McMeel. It's original material on the subject of manners using the Dilbert cast. (ISBN 0-8362-1737-3) "Shave the Whales" (a compilation of the second year of Dilbert), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1740-3) "Bring Me the Head of Willy the Mailboy" (a compilation covering 10/5/90 through 5/18/91.), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-1779-9) "It's Obvious You Won't Survive By Your Wits Alone" (a compilation covering 5/19/91 to 12/13/92, with color Sundays), Andrews and McMeel. (ISBN 0-8362-0415-8). Check with any bookstore for the books above. If that fails, call the publisher, Andrews and McMeel directly at 800-826-4216 and order by mail. (International callers use +1-816-932-6700) ***************** General Dilbert Facts ******************* The cartoon strip Dilbert began in 1989. It now appears in over 1,200 papers in 35 countries. The author (that would be me) receives about 350 e-mail messages per day. I read all of my e-mail personally. I don't have an assistant, unless you count my cat. If you get a canned response, or no response at all, it just means my fingers are tired. If you get an incoherent answer it means I'm up late. If you ask multiple questions I often answer the one I like. Despite what you've heard, I don't work at your company. I worked at Crocker Bank in San Francisco from 1979 to 1986, then Pacific Bell from 1986 to June 1995, mostly in various engineering groups. But I'm not an engineer by education; I did the MBA thing. I am not your high school friend of the same name. I did not author the Scott Adams Adventure Games for computers. I did not go to your school. The person you know is not my relative. I am not your ex-husband. We were not childhood friends. I am not related to Douglas Adams. Despite what your friend says, I don't know him/her. Dilbert is not gaining weight. There is no particular reason that neither Dilbert nor Dogbert have obvious mouths. They eat when nobody is looking. The most frequently asked question is "Why does Dilbert's tie curl up like that?" The answer is either A) It's a metaphor for his inability to control his environment or B) He's just glad to see you. The boss character has no name. He's the same boss as the old boss, but his hair got pointier over time. Dogbert's breed is unspecified. Dilbert's company has no name. It's intentionally unclear what they do for a living, but Dilbert has a degree in Electrical Engineering from MIT. Printing, Copying, Reprinting, Licensing of Dilbert --------------------------------------------------- The copyright and trademark for Dilbert are owned by United Media in New York. You can call them at 800-221-4816 (International callers use +1-212-293-8500). There would be a fee that depends on how you want to use the strip or the characters. About the Dilbert List ---------------------- It costs you nothing to be on the Dilbert Newsletter list, except for the cost of your own e-mail. I'm using a "List Server" system to automate this process. So this newsletter will come to you from a different e-mail address than my personal one. Don't "reply" to the newsletter address please. The frequency of the Dilbert Newsletter is approximately "whenever I feel like it" which should be about three or four times a year. How to Subscribe Automatically ------------------------------ You can subscribe to the Dilbert List automatically by sending an e-mail with the address, subject and message shown: Address: listproc@internex.net Subject: Dilbert Message: subscribe Dilbert_List Joe Blow (except put your real name instead of Joe Blow). Your e-mail address will be picked up automatically, so you need not specify it. The only thing you customize is your first and last name. Unsubscribing ------------- If you want to take your name off the list automatically, send an e-mail to listproc@internex.net but include only these words in the body of the message: unsubscribe Dilbert_List Put only the word "Dilbert" in the subject line. Getting Old Newsletters ----------------------- Old newsletters are only available on the Dilbert Web site: www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/ I can't send back issues by e-mail for reasons you wouldn't believe if I told you. Problems Signing Up for the Newsletter -------------------------------------- If you tried unsuccessfully to subscribe to the newsletter just send e-mail to me and I'll sign you up manually. My personal address is still scottadams@aol.com If you try to change your password (which you don't need to do, since only I can post to the list anyway) and you get a strange message saying you're not on the list, ignore it. It's a "feature." Reprinting This Newsletter -------------------------- Feel free to copy, post and distribute this newsletter within the bounds of good netiquette. Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com > >It's tough being old. > ---------------------- A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home, and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live." The following material comes to you courtesy of cnet.com: --------------------------------------------------------------- TOP TEN WEB SITE FEATURES THAT SCREAM, "DON'T BOOKMARK ME!" You know the best sites to visit on the Web. ...But as you surf along by yourself, take note of these telltale signs that you should just move along quickly to the first link outta there 10. "Here are some GIFs of my cat." 9. The only advertiser is the International House of Mail Fraud. 8. Its secure commerce engine is made by MicroScruples. 7. On the Webmaster's resume, he lists his job objective as "to put this crappy Web site behind me." 6. Two words: "Under construction." 5. Two other words: blink tag. 4. It has a bouncing marquee message reading "Java the Hutt's Bandwidth Busters." 3. It contains the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence. 2. The status bar has a JavaScript ticker message. 1. It's called CyberPiazza del Digerati. From - Sat Sep 21 01:11:25 1996 X-POP3-Rcpt: pstech@smarty Return-Path: owner-comedy@listserv.prodigy.com Received: from pimaia2w.prodigy.com (pimaia2w.prodigy.com [198.83.19.71]) by smarty.smart.net (8.6.12/8.6.9) with ESMTP id LAA04010 for ; Fri, 20 Sep 1996 11:29:41 -0400 Received: from listserv.prodigy.com (listserv.prodigy.com [198.83.19.40]) by pimaia2w.prodigy.com (8.6.10/8.6.9) with ESMTP id LAA19214 for ; Fri, 20 Sep 1996 11:09:11 -0400 Received: (from majordom@localhost) by listserv.prodigy.com (8.6.12/8.6.12) id LAA28795; Fri, 20 Sep 1996 11:10:11 -0400 Date: Fri, 20 Sep 1996 11:10:11 -0400 Message-Id: <199609201510.LAA28795@listserv.prodigy.com> To: PSTECH@SMART.NET From: majordomo@listserv.prodigy.com Subject: Welcome to comedy Reply-To: majordomo@listserv.prodigy.com X-Mozilla-Status: 0001 -- Welcome to the comedy mailing list! If you ever want to remove yourself from this mailing list, send the following command in email to "comedy-request@listserv.prodigy.com": unsubscribe Or you can send mail to "majordomo@listserv.prodigy.com" with the following command in the body of your email message: unsubscribe comedy PSTECH@SMART.NET Here's the general information for the list you've subscribed to, in case you don't already have it: Welcome to Comedy Connection. Prodigy Mailing lists are sponsored by Prodigy Services Company. Prodigy does not review and cannot be responsible for the content of moderated or unmoderated mailing lists. The Comedy Connection List is for trading jokes, stories, and info through E-Mail. Subscribing to this list allows you to trade jokes and stories with other people who love to laugh, as well as to receive their jokes and stories. It is an E-Mail forum for laughter. Share your best stuff! Heard anything good lately? It will also contain information and updates about the Prodigy Comedy Bulletin Board, the Prodigy Comedy Connection Interest Group, and the Prodigy Comedy Connection File Library. "When will Seinfeld be on Letterman?" "Did you see James Carville on Comedy Central's Politically Incorrect last week?" It's a place to laugh and talk with other comedy-minded people! To subscribe, unsubscribe or get more information on Prodigy mailing lists, go to http://www.goodstuff.prodigy.com/Lists/ or send a message with the word "help" in the body (no subject required) to majordomo@listserv.prodigy.com. Subject: Programming by GOD... In the beginning was nothing, and God said to his laptop, "let there be light!" #Unable to connect. Reenter address. :God@heaven.org #Enter password. :Omniscient #Password Incorrect. Try again. :Omnipotent #And God logged on. :let there be light! #Unrecognized command. Try again. :Create light. #Done :Create Heaven and Earth. #And God created Heaven and Earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. :Let there be firmament to rise up and divide the waters from the waters. #Unrecognized command. Try again. :Create firmament #And God made the Earth. And God saw there were 0 errors. :Let the waters under Heaven be gathered together unto one place and let dry land appear... and... #Too many characters in specification string. Try again. :Create dry_land #Done :Run dry_land #And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors. :Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night. #Unspecified type. :Create sun_moon_stars #And God saw the day and the night. And God saw there were 0 errors. Create fish, fowl #And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth in the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors. :Create cattle #Done Create creepy_things #Done :Now let us make man in our own image, in our likeness #Unrecognized command. Try again. :Create man #Done :Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the Earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth. #Too many command operands. Try again. :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 6 errors. :Insert breath; run multiplication ##Execution terminated. 5 errors. :Move man to Garden of Eden #File Garden of Eden does not exist. :Create Garden.edn #Done :Run multiplication #execution terminated. 4 errors :Copy woman from man #identical files. Delete old one Y/N?:N :Open man #Done :Delete rib #Done :Run multiplication #Execution terminated. 3 errors :Create desire #Done :Run multiplication #Warning: No time limit on this run. 2 errors :Create free_will #Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 error :Delete desire #Cannot delete desire while free_will is open. :Create shame #System error. man, woman not in Garden.edn. :Scan Garden.edn for man, woman #Man, woman not found in file Garden.edn :Delete shame #Cannot be deleted while file is open. :Delete free_will #Cannot be deleted while file is open :Stop #Unrecognized command. Try again :Break :Break :Break #**ALERT** Computer going down for day of rest in five minutes. Please log off :Create New World #File size exceeds available space. Try deleting old files. :Delete Earth #Delete Earth: Please confirm Y/N: :Y AND GOD LOGGED OFF. First, for all you animal lover, here's a rabbit story. Years ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I noticed my cat dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors' 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our cat, Cricket, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes". Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Her father, panic stricked, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's rabbit and put it back in it's cage?!" __________________________________________________________________ Second, for any of you who may be proud parents and tend to like to talk about the triumphs of your children, take this story as a warning. Four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage, and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out", he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big pile of stock certificates.".... _______________________________________________________________ Third, for any of you who realize that the lessons learned on the battlefield are often most applicable to our everyday lives, these words of wisdom will help to keep you in the fight. MURHPY'S LAWS OF COMBAT ----------------------- 1. If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2. Incoming fire has the right of way. 3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. 4. There is always a way. 5. The easy way is always mined. 6. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo. 7. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. when you're ready for them. b. when you're not ready for them. 9. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. 10. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you. 11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. 12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 13. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. 15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 16. Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out. 17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in a combat zone. 19. When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. __________________________________________________________________ So that's my contribution to your intellectual development for today. IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus. 1.No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen. 2.There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each. 3.Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour. 4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth. 5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force. In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now. WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN Die TOP-15 ... 1.A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER. 2.When you got to a bar you can always pickup a BEER. 3.A hangover goes away. 4.A BEER won't get upset if you come home and have BEER on you breath. 5.You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good. 6.You can drink a BEER all month long. 7.If you pour a BEER right, you'll always get good head. 8.You don't have to wine and dine a BEER. 9.When you finish with a BEER the bottle is still worth $0.05. 10.A frigid BEER is a good BEER. 11.You always know your the first one to pop a BEER. 12.You can have more than 1 BEER a night and not feel guilty 13.You can share a BEER with your friends. 14.A BEER is always wet. 15.A BEER always goes down easy. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 1.You can enjoy a BEER all month. 2.BEER stains wash out. 3.You don't have to wine and dine a BEER. 4.Your BEER will always wait patiently for you in the car. 5.When BEER goes flat you toss it out. 6.BEER is never late. 7.HANGOVERS go away. 8.A BEER doesn't get jealous when you grab another BEER. 9.BEER labels come off without a fight. 10.When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a BEER. 11.BEER never has a headache. 12.After you have a BEER, the bottle is still worth a dime. 13.A BEER won't get upset if you come home with BEER on your breath. 14.If you pour a BEER right, you will always get good head. 15.You can have more than one BEER a night and not feel guilty. 16.A BEER ALWAYS goes down easy. 17.You can share a BEER with your friends. 18.You always know that you are the first one to pop a BEER. 19.A BEER is always wet. 20.BEER doesn't demand equality. 21.A BEER doesn't care when you come. 22.You can have a BEER in public. 23.A frigid BEER is a good BEER. 24.You don't have to wash a BEER before it tastes good. 25.BEER always comes in multiples of six. 26.BEER doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 27.You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a BEER. 28.After you have a BEER, you're committed to nothing other than dumping the empty bottle. 29.A BEER never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you thirsty. 30.When your BEER is gone, you just pop another. 31.You rarely (if ever) find BEER labels on the shower curtain rod. 32.BEER looks the same in the morning. 33.BEER doesn't look you up in a month. 34.BEER doesn't worry about someone walking in. 35.BEER doesn't worry about waking the kids. 36.BEER doesn't get cramps. 37.BEER doesn't have a mother. 38.BEER doesn't have morals. 39.BEER doesn't go crazy once a month. 40.BEER always listens and never argues. 41.BEER labels don't go out of style every year. 42.BEER doesn't whine, it bubbles. 43.BEER doesn't have cold hands/feet. 44.BEER doesn't demand legality. 45.BEER is never overweight. 46.If you change BEERs, you don't have to pay alimony. 47.BEER won't run off with your credit cards. 48.BEER doesn't have a lawyer. 49.BEER doesn't need much closet space. 50.BEER can't give your herpes or other nasty things. 51.BEER doesn't complain about the way you drive. 52.BEER doesn't mind if you fart or belch. 53.BEER never changes its mind. 54.BEER doesn't tease you or play hard to get. 55.BEER never asks you to change the station. 56.BEER doesn't make you go shopping. 57.BEER doesn't tell you to mow the grass. 58.BEER doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 59.BEER is always easy to pick up. 60.Big, fat BEERs are nice to have. 61.BEER doesn't pout or play games. 62.BEER NEVER says no. 63.BEER is easy to get into. 64.BEER never complains when you take it somewhere. 65.BEER doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other BEERs. 66.BEER doesn't wear a bra. 67.BEER doesn't mind getting dirty. 68.BEER doesn't complain about insensitivity. 69.BEER doesn't use up your toilet paper. 70.BEER doesn't live with its mother. 71.BEER doesn't blow you off. 72.BEER doesn't care if you have no culture or manners. 73.BEER doesn't bitch, yell, or cry. 74.BEER doesn't mind football season. 75.A BEER won't make you go to church. 76.A BEER is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 77.A BEER doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 78.A BEER doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose". 79.A BEER doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other BEERs around. 80.A BEER will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with babies are "cute". 81.If a BEER leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while. 82.A BEER will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of "doberperson". 83.A BEER won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian folk music on your favorite radio station. 84.A BEER won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads. 85.A BEER won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the toilet seat up. 86.If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a BEER, it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice. 87.A BEER won't whine that seatbelts hurt. 88.A BEER won't smoke in your car. 89.A BEER won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 90.A BEER will never buy a car with automatic transmission. 91.A BEER will actually *support* belching and farting and share your enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the 1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona. 92.A BEER is always ready to leave on time. 93.A BEER never fishes for compliments. 94.Some BEERs (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits. 95.BEER tastes *good*. 96.If you take a BEER outta the fridge just to look at it but then decide to drink it, the BEER won't accuse you of "date rape". 97.A BEER won't raise any objections to an evening of watching "John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR. 98.An ice-cold BEER will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 99.A BEER won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the grocery store. 100.A BEER won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse "just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the BEER won't accuse you of it. 101.A BEER won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football League. 102.A BEER won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the excuse: "But I saved a quarter!" 103.A BEER will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie. 104.A BEER will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on channel 5 on Saturday afternoons. 105.A BEER won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman" instead of "Gene Hackperson". 106.A BEER won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes like STP Oil Treatment. 107.When you're through with a BEER, the thought of another BEER doesn't make you ill. N Reasons Why Motorcycles Are Better Than Women ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Motorcycles only need their fluids changed every 2,000 miles. Motorcycles' curves never sag. Motorcycles last longer. Motorcycles don't get pregnant. You can ride a Motorcycles any time of the month. Motorcycles don't have parents. Motorcycles don't whine unless something is really wrong. You can kick your Motorcycle to wake it up. You can share your Motorcycle with your friends. If your Motorcycle makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Motorcycle when the old one is _really_ worn. If your Motorcycle smokes, you can do something about it. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have ridden. When riding, you and your Motorcycle both arrive at the same time. Motorcycles don't care about how many other Motorcycles you have. Motorcycles don't mind if you look at other Motorcycles, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. New Motorcycles must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them. If your Motorcycle goes flat, you can fix it. If your Motorcycle is too loose, you can tighten it. If your Motorcycle is too soft, you can get different shocks. If your Motorcycle is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it. You can have a beer while riding your Motorcycle. You can have a black Motorcycle and show it to your parents. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Motorcycle. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Motorcycle. You don't have to convince your Motorcycle that you're a motorcyclist and that you think that Motorcycles are equals. If you say bad things to your Motorcycles, you don't have to apoligize before you can ride it again. You can ride a Motorcycle as long as you want and it won't get sore. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Motorcycle after you dump it. Motorcycles always feel like going for a ride. Motorcycles don't insult you if you are a bad rider. Your Motorcycle never wants a night out alone with the other Motorcycles. Motorcycles don't care if you are late. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Motorcycle. It's always ok to use tie downs on your Motorcycle. If your Motorcycle doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. You can't get diseases from a Motorcycle you don't know very well. ***** Why is a cucumber better than a man? ***** 1.You can enjoy a cucumber all night long. 2.Cucumber stains wash out. 3.You don't have to drink wine and dine with a cucumber before getting to the fun stuff. 4.Your cucumber will always wait patiently for you in the car while you go shopping. 5.When your cucumber goes soft you toss it. 6.Cucumbers can't tell time, so they don't know when you're late. 7.Stomach aches go away in the morning, or after you take alka-seltzer. 8.A cucumber doesn't get jealous when you grab another cucumber (or even a carrot]) 9.Cucumber skins come off without a fight. 10.When you go to the grocery store, you can always pick up a cucumber. And you can check out the meat in the deli, too] 11.Cucumbers never have headaches (or any other contagious diseases) 12.After you've had a cucumber, who cares what it's worth? 13.A cucumber won't get upset if you come home with another cucumber on your breath (or a fresh leafy vegetable in your pocket). 14.If you eat a cucumber right, you always have a mouthful. 15.You can have more than one cucumber a night and not feel guilty (they're low in calories) 16.A cucumber always goes down easy. 17.You can share a cucumber with friends. 18.You always know when you're the first one to eat a cucumber. 19.A cucumber is always hard. 20.Cucumbers don't demand equality. 21.You can have a cucumber in pubic (oops, I mean public]) 22.A cucumber doesn't come (no mess) 23.A frigid cucumber is a fresh cucumber. 24.You don't have to wash a cucumber before it tastes good. 25.The older a cucumber, the larger it gets. 26.Cucumbers don't fool around. 27.You don't have to watch where a cucumber puts its hands. 28.You can keep a cucumber in your apartment without upsetting your mother. 29.Cucumbers can't get you pregnant. 30.Cucumbers don't get drunk (although they have been known to get pickled now and then) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the blonde who: had more on her body than on her mind? was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean? took an hour to cook Minute Rice? got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient? had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs? thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates? was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat? after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls? went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? ----------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!" There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?"..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles" referred to her ears? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Over the weekend I(can't remember name - on newsgrazer) heard a blonde telling this joke: * *Blonde Asks: What do you call a blonde in between two brunettes? *Blonde Answers: An interprolater! * *We were laughing so hard we thought we were going to die. The funny *part was that she thought we were laughing at her joke. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?" "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over and talk slower?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp they said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said, "I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second blonde said "I wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blond said "I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later, she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde is suffering from a sore throat so she goes to see the doctor. She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets out his torch and says "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde, "the chair's fitted with arms." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out of the crate. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk. "No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides, play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?" "I want a weigh," she says. Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh her. They play a few more games and stop for foods. "What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again. "I want a weigh," she says. Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they get her weight and fortune. After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy repeats, "What do you want to do now?" "I want a weigh," she says. Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight and fortune, and the boy drives her home. As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?" "Wousy," says the girl. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Imitation of a blonde refuelling.. (Flap hand, blowing air into ears) ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Another blonde sent a post card home: "Having a wonderful time....Where am I?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third string at a car wash? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ How is a blonde like a....... Hairdryer? Turn her on and she starts to blow. Vaccum Cleaner? Turn her on and she starts to suck. Light Switch? Even a six year old can turn her on. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage? Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week. Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license? "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!" Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes 1.That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed. 2.Do you want to see something swell? 3.What do you like for breakfast? 4.Do you want to fuck or should I apologize? 5.Say, didnt we go to different schools together? 6.Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up. 7.Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us. 8.Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money? 9.Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? 10.You smell wet. Lets party! 11.If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it against me? 12.Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I thought you knew! 13.You have the ass of a great artist. ___________________________________________________________________ Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde 1.I just threw up! 2.You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit. 3.Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it came in? 4.Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. 5.I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty good. 6.Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress! 7.Your face or mine? 8.Nice dress, could I talk you out of it? 9.I want to floss with your pubic hair. 10.I'd look good on you. 11.Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet? 12.Somebody farted! Lets get out of here. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard". ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Who keep saying these blonde jokes ? Those who couldn't.... ------------------------------------------------------------------------- The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you... Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler 1.Land War in Asia 2.Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler' 3.Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects 4.Not buying lifts for his shoes 5.Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt 6.Failure to exploit Eva Braun 7.Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy 8.Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image 9.Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan 10.Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones 11.Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA 12.Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back" 13.Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays 14.Free beer in munitions plants 15.Lisp never corrected 16.Bad toupe 17.Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery 18.Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands 19.Fell asleep in staff meetings 20.Chose Italy as ally 21.Land War in Asia 22.Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line 23.Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics 24.Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air 25.Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls 26.Never had fireside mass rallies 27.Told Einstein he had a stupid name 28.Used SS instead of LAPD 29.Admired Napoleon's strategy 30.Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly 31.In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii 32.Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice 33.Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform 34.Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence. 35.Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics 36.Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer 37.Breast feeding for too long 38.Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR 39.Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch 40.Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape. 41.Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland 42.Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union 43.Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power 44.Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords 45.Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline) 46.Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech undermined image. 47.Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can" 48.Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude" 49.Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?" 50.Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary 51.Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats 52.Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second 53.Failed to encourage tourism 54.Being born 55.Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun 56.Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back 57.Kept Colonel Klink in command 58.Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat 59.Used same astrologer as the Reagans A DOG NAMED "SEX"... Usually every one who has a dog, either calls him "Rover" , "Boy", "Spot" or something like that. Well, I named mine "Sex". I realize Sex is an embarrassing name, but I thought it fit him somehow. One day I took Sex for a walk, and he ran away. I spent hours looking for that damn dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 am. I said I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Thursday! One day, I went to the City Hall to get a dog license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. And I said, "I want a license for Sex." He said, he wouldn't mind having one too. Then I said, "but this is for a dog." He said, "I don't care what she looks like; I'll take her anyway." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was two years old." He looked at me and said, "You must have been a hell of a kid"!! When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "but, Sex has played a big part in my life, and my whole life revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want any part in my life and he wouldn't marry us in the church. I tried to tell him that the entire wedding party would enjoy having Sex there. My entire family is barred from the church. We got married by the Justice of the Peace. My new wife and I took the dog on our honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the room clerk I wanted a room for my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the hotel was for sex if we wanted it. Then I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk answered, "Yeah, me too!" I entered my do in a dog show and the show was on TV. When I told my friend I had Sex on TV. He said, "show off, you should have sold tickets ... wasn't it uncomfortable?" When my wife and I finally separated, we went to court to battle over custody of the dog. I said to the judge, "Your Honor, I had Sex way before I was married." The Judge said, "Me too." When I told him that after I was married Sex left me. He said, "Me too!" Well, I've had more trouble over that dog. I have been thrown into jail, married and divorced. I just got so nervous, I went to a Psychiatrist. He said, What is the trouble?" I said, "Sex has left me. It's like losing my very best friend and life is so lonely without Sex." He said, "Look, Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. So, go get yourself a dog!" MURPHY'S LAWS OF COMBAT 1.If the enemy is in range, so are you. 2.Incoming fire has the right of way. 3.Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire. 4.There is always a way. 5.The easy way is always mined. 6.Try to look unimportant, they may be out of ammo. 7.Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous. 8.The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: A. When you're ready for them. B. When you're not ready for them. 9.Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at. 10.If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you. 11.The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack. 12.A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 13.If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush. 14.Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you. 15.Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing. 16.Make it tough enough for the enemy to get in and you will not be able to get out. 17.Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself. 18.If you're short of everything but the enemy, you are in the combat zone. 19.When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy. 20.(My personal favorite) Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder. What the world is like in TV land: 1.If a women is running away from someone she will trip and fall. 2.Your car will always start immedaitely unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation. 3.Crazed maniacs have super-human strength. 4.The suburbs are exciting. 5.Good guys always shoot better than bad guys. 6.Good guys are always outnumbered. 7.Good guys always win and get the girl. 8.Good guys are always good looking. 9.Ugly people are always bad guys. 10.Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways. 11.There are no ugly women, only ugly men. 12.Court cases are all solved with a suprise witness. 13.Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor. 14.Cars will explode in all accidents. 15.Everyone has a 'dark' secret. 16.Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten. 17.Haunted houses are never locked. 18.The police are smart. 19.Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg. 20.All Chinese people know Karate. 21.Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music. 22.Rich people are unhappy. 23.Teenagers are smarter than their parents. 24.Indians make good cannon fodder. 25.Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders. 26.Computers never crash. a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PC's. b) Computers know everything. c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info 27.When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth. 28.No one farts, except after eating beans. 29.Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 ot 40 bad guys. 30.Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works. 31.Christmas Eve and halloween night last for three or four days. 32.Movies based on true stories are made up. 33.Police never wait for back-up. 34.Undercover cops are too good to be spotted. 35.Private detective work is glamorous. 36.All baseball games will be wom with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs. 37.All police killings are in self-defense. 38.Everyone wins in Las Vegas. 39.Good guys don't take drugs. 40.The world is teaming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys. 41.Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry. 42.High School students look thirty years old. 43.Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean. 44.Street vendor's carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases. 45.Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool. 46.To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset. 47.Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out. 48.The group always splits up to look for the alien. 49.The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot. 50.The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials. 51.The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until the he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them. 52.Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out. 53.The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill. 54.All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but can't use that speed to actually catch the person they're chasing. 55.No-one *ever* locks a car when they get out of it (even in NY). Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask men. There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are d - How much prettier she is than you e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking." The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers: 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - Who, me? 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes? "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10 things you didn't know about ecology and the like. 1.The Green Party are called the 'Greens'. 'cos they know sod all about politics. 2.Green activist Mike Keeny ensured that he was returned to nature by having himself buried in his own compost heap. Interviewed around the time his left arm fell off he said, 'I've never felt so degraded in all my life'. 3.Eco washing up liquid leaves most of the food on your plate and ensures the growth of rare and interesting bacteria, like botulism. 4.Acid rain is a let down once you've tried ecstasy. 5.The word 'Natural' on a food packet means that it is twice as expensive as everything else on the same shelf. 6.Real ale is ecologically sound because it contains no chemicals and therefore causes only natural damage to your brain, liver and kidneys. 7.The lingering fallout from Chernobyl was responsible for the recent slump in the form of the normally invincible Welsh rugby team. 8.The words 'Environmentally Friendly' on a product means that it doesn't work anywhere near as good as the stuff you used to buy. 9.John Barnes was recently voted the top 'Eco Player' in the England team. It was revealed that his refusal to run around in an England shirt saved the lives of thousands of blades of grass. 10.Recycled toilet paper is a sham. If it had been used before there would be lots of smelly bits on it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ How to pass the time if you've been made redundant. No. 12. Why not try making a model of Buckingham Palace out of those small annoying knobby bits of bone that lurk in bacon sandwiches. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10 things you never knew about lists of stuff. 1.They are clearly written by someone who knows everything. This proves they are a direct communication from God. 2.Repent sinners. 3.They are so quick to read that you never take them in and so you still don't know the stuff you never knew, sort of thing. 4.They are scanned, not read, and therefore ideal for subliminal messages -- vote Tory. 5.The word 'Testicles' doesn't appear in such lists very often. 6.It only appeared here because I'm trying to fill space, testicles, testicles, testicles. 7.Filling space is the main function of such lists because there is always plenty of space around them. 8.Saddam Hussein promised his people the 'mother of all lists' last year. 9.When they got it, it read 'Sugar Puffs, Bic Razors, components for chemical weapons, tanks, 20 cigarettes'. 10.Dennis Law played for both Manchester United and Manchester City. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 10 things you'd rather not know about flying 1.A Jumbo Jet weighs more than an elephant. 2.There are 1800 thunderstorms on Earth at any given moment. 3.There are 8.5 million lightning strikes on Earth every single day, (p.s. a bolt of lightning always hits the highest point.) 4.There's also a lot of mad Libyan terrorists about. 5.And don't forget those Iraqi's - they're still livid. 6.The distance between the wing-tips of a Boeing 747 is longer than the first flight made by the Wright brothers, but shorter than the Irish football team's passing game. 7.A plane can also cut wood. It can scythe down one square mile of trees when it crashes into a forest. 8.All the world's airlines demand a copy of the Irish football team's fixture list, so that their aeroplanes can avoid the stadiums where Ireland are playing. 9.Chaos Theory, also known as Sod's Law, predicts that if you are terrified of flying that you take a train or ship instead, a 747 will probably crash on your carriage or recreation deck. 10.The whole fleet of Air Europe recently went down - in one single night. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ In the beginning there was a Plan. And then came Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the plan was without substance. And darkness was on the face of the Workers. And they spoke among themselves, saying "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks". And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said "It is a plain of dung, and none may obide the odor thereof". And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none can abide by it". And the Managers went unto their Directors saying "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength". And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying one to another "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong". And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful". And the Vice Presidents went unto President saying unto him "This new Plan will actively promote growth and Vigor of this company, with powerful effects". And the President looked upon the Plan and saw it was good. And the Plan became Policy. This is how shit happens. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ RELIGIOUS VIEWS OF LIFE Tauism Shit happens Confucianism Confusius says - shit happens Buddhism If shit happens, it really isn't shit Hinduism This shit happened before. Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. Protestantism Let shit happen to someone else. Catholocism If shit happens, you deserve it. Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us. Atheism I don't believe this shit! Zen What is the sound of shit happening? Agnosticism What is this shit? Southern Baptism Shit will not happen til Judgement Day when it will happen to someone else. Rastafareism Hey, let's smoke this shit. Taoism Shit happens. Confucianism Confucius say - "Shit happens." Zen What is the sound of shit happening? Calvinism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough. Lutheranism Shit happens because you work at all. Buddhism No shit? Seventh Day No shit on Saturdays. Adventists Hinduism This shit has happened before. Mormonism This shit is going to happen again. Islam Cut the shit. Anglicanism Don't shit, poop. Then scoop. Hell's Angels Tough shit! The Mystics We're in deep shit. Moonies Only happy shit really happens. Stoicism This shit is good for me. Hedonism There is nothing like a good shit. Capitalism Shit a brick. Socratic Shit happens and then you die. Marxism Eat shit. Communism Eat shit and die. Optimist Shit passes. Protestantism Shit can come upon you in unlikely places, so carry some pages from a good book. Catholocism Shit happens because you are BAD, or The pope's shit doesn't stink. Christian Holy shit! Orthodoxy Hare Krishna Shit happens, rama, rama. Unitarianism No shit, or We've got our shit together. Pentecostalism When the shit hits the fan, where will you stand? Baptists Up shit creek ... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists and science enthusiasts, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product in every category offered for sale. Our suggested list of required warnings appears below: WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Massed and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Known as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of a Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting This Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, In Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little Is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently guaranteed. ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer Is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled To Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" Into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Reemerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed. A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell !!" ~~~~~ This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says "OK, truck drivers are not nerds," and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don't even need a license, he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em." A man goes to Fredricks of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her. He says, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs opens the box and thinks, "this thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." >So his wife comes down wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she says. "Damn, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the damn thing." Date: Wednesday, January 21, 1998 11:40 AM One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and couldn't see." "That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was MY fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?" "Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail, and a dear twitchy little nose; YOU must be a BUNNY RABBIT!" (And the little blind bunny was so pleased he danced with joy.) Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, WHAT kind of animal are YOU? And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine HIM, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy, and you haven't got any balls -- you must be a lawyer. ------------------ A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring up your grades, study your bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After a month the boy again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought up your grades, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied...."Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry.... we can't hire you." "But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!" "Really? Great! Show me!" So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. "Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" "Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!" "Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" "Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady limping slightly with a cane slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Guide to Software Revisions Once you start playing with software you quickly become aware that each software package has a revision code attached to it. It is obvious that this >revision code gives the sequence of changes to the product, but in reality there's substantially more information available through the rev code than that. This e-mail provides a guide for interpreting the meaning of the revision codes and what they actually signify. 1.0: Also known as "one point uh-oh", or "barely out of beta". We had to release because the lab guys had reached a point of exhaustion and the marketing guys were in a cold sweat of terror. We're praying that you'll find it more functional than, say, a computer virus and that its operation has some resemblance to that specified in the marketing copy. 1.1: We fixed all the killer bugs ... 1.2: Uh, we introduced a few new bugs fixing the killer bugs and so we had to fix them, too. 2.0: We did the product we really wanted to do to begin with. Mind you, it's really not what the customer needs yet, but we're working on it. 2.1: Well, not surprisingly, we broke some things in making major changes so we had to fix them. But we did a really good job of testing this time, so we don't think we introduced any new bugs while we were fixing these bugs. 2.2: Uh, sorry, one slipped through. One lousy typo error and you won't believe how much trouble it caused! 2.3: Some jerk found a deep-seated bug that's been there since 1.0 and wouldn't stop nagging until we fixed it!! 3.0: Hey, we finally think we've got it right! Most of the customers are really happy with this. 3.1: Of course, we did break a few little things. 4.0: More features. It's doubled in size now, by the way, and you'll need to get more memory and a faster processor ... 4.1: Just one or two bugs this time ... Honest! 5.0: We really need to go on to a new product, but we have an installed base out there to protect. We're cutting the staffing after this. 6.0: We had to fix a few things we broke in 5.0. Not very many, but it's been so long since we looked at this thing we might as well call it a major upgrade. Oh, yeah, we added a few flashy cosmetic features so we could justify the major upgrade number. 6.1: Since I'm leaving the company and I'm the last guy left in the lab who works on the product, I wanted to make sure that all the changes I've made are incorporated before I go. I added some cute demos, too, since I was getting pretty bored back here in my dark little corner (I kept complaining about the lighting but they wouldn't do anything). They're talking about obsolescence planning but they'll try to keep selling it for as long as there's a buck or two to be made. I'm leaving the bits in as good a shape as I can in case somebody has to tweak them, but it'll be sheer luck if no one loses them. >%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~% > Henry A. Mumm > Sr. Programmer Analyst > California Department of Conservation > 801 K Street, Ste 1921 > Sacramento, CA 95814 > hmumm@consrv.ca.gov > voice :: (916) 323-1360 >%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~%~% > Conserve electrons > Start recycling them today >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ >> A thermodynamics professor had written a >> take home exam for his students. It had >> one question: Is hell exothermic or >> endothermic? Support your answer with a >> proof. >> >> Most of the students wrote proofs of >> their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some >> variant. One student, however, wrote the >> following: >> >> "First, we postulate that if souls >> exist, then they must have some mass. If >> they do, then a mole [a unit of measure] >> of souls can also have a mass. So, at >> what rate are souls moving into hell and >> at what rate are souls leaving? I think >> that we can safely assume that once a >> soul gets into hell, it will not leave. >> Therefore, no souls are leaving. >> >> As for souls entering hell, lets look at >> the different religions that exist in >> the world today. Some of these religions >> state that if you are not a member of >> their religion, you will go to hell. >> Since there are more than one of these >> religions and people do not belong to >> more than one religion, we can project >> that all people, and all souls, go to >> hell. >> >> With birth and death rates as they are, >> we can expect the number of souls in >> hell to increase exponentially. Now, we >> look at the rate of change in volume in >> hell. Boyle's Law states that in order >> for the temperature and pressure in hell >> to stay the same, the ratio of the mass >> of souls and volume needs to stay >> constant. >> >> 1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower >> rate than the rate at which souls enter >> hell, then the temperature and pressure >> in hell will increase until all hell >> breaks loose. >> >> 2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a >> rate faster than the increase of souls >> in hell, then the temperature and >> pressure will drop until hell freezes >> over. >> >> So which is it? If we accept the >> postulate given to me by Therese Banyan >> during Freshman year, "that it will be a >> cold night in hell before I sleep with >> you" and take into account the fact that >> I still have not succeeded in having >> sexual relations with her, then #2 >> cannot be true. >> >> Therefore hell is exothermic." >> >> The student got the only A. >> > Headline: > PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71 --- Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Julie the blonde was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handywoman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for ya. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, uh, how much do you want?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks OK?" Julie asked. "Yeah that's great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 15 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie. "Oh, by the way," said Julie, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari." THE 5 TOUGHEST QUESTIONS WOMEN ASK - AND THEIR ANSWERS The five questions are: 1 - "What are you thinking?" 2 - "Do you love me?" 3 - "Do I look fat?" 4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?" 5 - "What would you do if I died?" What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example: 1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a - Baseball b - Football c - How fat you are. d - How much prettier she is than you. e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died. 2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes. " For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, Yes, dear. Wrong answers include: a - I suppose so. b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c - That depends on what you mean by "love". d - Does it matter? e - I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include: a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either. b - Compared to what? c - A little extra weight looks good on you. d - I've seen fatter. e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy. 4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include: a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things. c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner. e - Im sorry, what did you say? I was thinking of how I would spend the insurance money if you died. 5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke: "Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?" "Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of couse not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said. "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" "Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry." "You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. "Yes" said the husband. "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause. "Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband. "I see," said the wife indignantly." And would you let her wear my old clothes?" "I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband. "Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?" "Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do." "Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too." "Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed." A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security n