"A modern man,"
said Dr. Cyrus Pym, "must, if he be thoughtful, approach the problem of
marriage with some caution. Marriage is a stage -- doubtless a suitable
stage -- in the long advance of mankind towards a goal which we cannot
as yet conceive; which we are not, perhaps, as yet fitted even to desire.
What, gentlemen, is the ethical position of marriage? Have we outlived
it?"
"Outlived it?" broke
out Moon; "why, nobody's ever survived it! Look at all the people married
since Adam and Eve -- and all as dead as mutton."
"This is no doubt an
inter-pellation joc'lar in its character," said Dr. Pym frigidly. "I cannot
tell what may be Mr. Moon's matured and ethical view of marriage --"
"I can tell," said Michael
savagely, out of the gloom. "Marriage is a duel to the death, which no
man of honour should decline."
"Michael," said Arthur
Inglewood in a low voice, "you must keep quiet."
"Mr. Moon," said Pym
with exquisite good temper, "probably regards the institution in a more
antiquated manner. Probably he would make it stringent and uniform. He
would treat divorce in some great soul of steel -- the divorce of a Julius
Caesar or of a Salt Ring Robinson -- exactly as he would treat some no-account
tramp or labourer who scoots from his wife. Science has views broader and
more humane. Just as murder for the scientist is a thirst for absolute
destruction, just as theft for the scientist is a hunger for monotonous
acquisition, so polygamy for the scientist is an extreme development of
the instinct for variety. A man thus afflicted is incapable of constancy.
Doubtless there is a physical cause for this flitting from flower to flower
-- as there is, doubtless, for the intermittent groaning which appears
to afflict Mr. Moon at the present moment. Our own world-scorning Winterbottom
has even dared to say, `For a certain rare and fine physical type polygamy
is but the realization of the variety of females, as comradeship is the
realization of the variety of males.' In any case, the type that tends
to variety is recognized by all authoritative inquirers. Such a type, if
the widower of a negress, does in many ascertained cases espouse en
seconde noces an albino; such a type, when freed from the gigantic
embraces of a female Patagonian, will often evolve from its own imaginative
instinct the consoling figure of an Eskimo. To such a type there can be
no doubt that the prisoner belongs. If blind doom and unbearable temptation
constitute any slight excuse for a man, there is no doubt that he has these
excuses.
"Earlier in the inquiry
the defence showed real chivalric ideality in admitting half of our story
without further dispute. We should like to acknowledge and imitate so eminently
large-hearted a style by conceding also that the story told by Curate Percy
about the canoe, the weir, and the young wife seems to be substantially
true. Apparently Smith did marry a young woman he had nearly run down in
a boat; it only remains to be considered whether it would not have been
kinder of him to have murdered her instead of marrying her. In confirmation
of this fact I can now con-cede to the defence an unquestionable record
of such a marriage."
So saying, he handed
across to Michael a cutting from the "Maidenhead Gazette" which distinctly
recorded the marriage of the daughter of a "coach," a tutor well known
in the place, to Mr. Innocent Smith, late of Brakespeare College, Cambridge.
When Dr. Pym resumed
it was realized that his face had grown at once both tragic and triumphant.
"I pause upon this pre-liminary
fact," he said seriously, "because this fact alone would give us the victory,
were we aspiring after victory and not after truth. As far as the personal
and domestic problem holds us, that problem is solved. Dr. Warner and I
entered this house at an instant of highly emotional diff'culty. England's
Warner has entered many houses to save human kind from sickness; this time
he entered to save an innocent lady from a walking pestilence. Smith was
just about to carry away a young girl from this house; his cab and bag
were at the very door. He had told her she was going to await the marriage
license at the house of his aunt. That aunt," continued Cyrus Pym, his
face darkening grandly -- "that visionary aunt had been the dancing will-o'-the-wisp
who had led many a high-souled maiden to her doom. Into how many virginal
ears has he whispered that holy word? When he said `aunt' there glowed
about her all the merriment and high morality of the Anglo-Saxon home.
Kettles began to hum, pussy cats to purr, in that very wild cab that was
being driven to destruction."
Inglewood looked up,
to find, to his astonishment (as many another denizen of the eastern hemisphere
has found), that the American was not only perfectly serious, but was really
eloquent and affecting -- when the difference of the hemispheres was adjusted.
"It is therefore atrociously
evident that the man Smith has at least represented himself to one innocent
female of this house as an eligible bachelor, being, in fact, a married
man. I agree with my colleague, Mr. Gould, that no other crime could approximate
to this. As to whether what our ancestors called purity has any ultimate
ethical value indeed, science hesitates with a high, proud hesitation.
But what hesitation can there be about the baseness of a citizen who ventures,
by brutal experiments upon living females, to anticipate the verdict of
science on such a point?
"The woman mentioned
by Curate Percy as living with Smith in Highbury may or may not be the
same as the lady he married in Maidenhead. If one short sweet spell of
constancy and heart repose interrupted the plunging torrent of his profligate
life, we will not deprive him of that long past possibility. After that
conjectural date, alas, he seems to have plunged deeper and deeper into
the shaking quagmires of infidelity and shame."
Dr. Pym closed his eyes,
but the unfortunate fact that there was no more light left this familiar
signal without its full and proper moral effect. After a pause, which almost
partook of the character of prayer, he continued.
"The first instance
of the accused's repeated and irregular nuptials," he exclaimed, "comes
from Lady Bullingdon, who expresses herself with the high haughtiness which
must be excused in those who look out upon all mankind from the turrets
of a Norman and ancestral keep. The communication she has sent to us runs
as follows: --
"Lady Bullingdon
recalls the painful incident to which reference is made, and has no desire
to deal with it in detail. The girl Polly Green was a perfectly adequate
dressmaker, and lived in the village for about two years. Her unattached
condition was bad for her as well as for the general morality of the village.
Lady Bullingdon, therefore, allowed it to be understood that she favoured
the marriage of the young woman. The villagers, naturally wishing to oblige
Lady Bullingdon, came forward in several cases; and all would have been
well had it not been for the deplorable eccentricity or depravity of the
girl Green herself. Lady Bullingdon supposes that where there is a village
there must be a village idiot, and in her village, it seems, there was
one of these wretched creatures. Lady Bullingdon only saw him once, and
she is quite aware that it is really difficult to distinguish between actual
idiots and the ordinary heavy type of the rural lower classes. She noticed,
however, the startling smallness of his head in comparison to the rest
of his body; and, indeed, the fact of his having appeared upon election
day wearing the rosette of both the two opposing parties appears to Lady
Bullingdon to put the matter quite beyond doubt. Lady Bullingdon was astounded
to learn that this afflicted being had put himself forward as one of the
suitors of the girl in question. Lady Bullingdon's nephew interviewed the
wretch upon the point, telling him that he was a `donkey' to dream of such
a thing, and actually received, along with an imbecile grin, the answer
that donkeys generally go after carrots. But Lady Bullingdon was yet further
amazed to find the unhappy girl inclined to accept this monstrous proposal,
though she was actually asked in marriage by Garth, the undertaker, a man
in a far superior position to her own. Lady Bullingdon could not, of course,
countenance such an arrangement for a moment, and the two unhappy persons
escaped for a clandestine marriage. Lady Bullingdon cannot exactly recall
the man's name, but thinks it was Smith. He was always called in the village
the Innocent. Later, Lady Bullingdon believes he murdered Green in a mental
outbreak."
"The next communication,"
proceeded Pym, "is more conspicuous for brevity, but I am of the opinion
that it will adequately convey the upshot. It is dated from the offices
of Messrs. Hanbury and Bootle, publishers, and is as follows: --
"Sir, -- Yrs.
rcd. and conts. noted. Rumour re typewriter possibly refers to a Miss Blake
or similar name, left here nine years ago to marry an organ-grinder. Case
was undoubtedly curious, and attracted police attention. Girl worked excellently
till about Oct. 1907, when apparently went mad. Record was written at the
time, part of which I enclose. -- Yrs., etc., W. Trip."
"The fuller statement runs
as follows: --
"On October
12 a letter was sent from this office to Messrs. Bernard and Juke, bookbinders.
Opened by Mr. Juke, it was found to contain the following: `Sir, our Mr.
Trip will call at 3, as we wish to know whether it is really decided 00000073bb!!!!!xy.'
To this Mr. Juke, a person of a playful mind, returned the answer: `Sir,
I am in a position to give it as my most decided opinion that it is not
really decided that 00000073bb!!!!!xy.' Yrs., etc., `J. Juke.'
"On receiving this extraordinary
reply, our Mr. Trip asked for the original letter sent from him, and found
that the typewriter had indeed substituted these demented hieroglyphics
for the sentences really dictated to her. Our Mr. Trip interviewed the
girl, fearing that she was in an unbalanced state, and was not much reassured
when she merely remarked that she always went like that when she heard
the barrel organ. Becoming yet more hysterical and extravagant, she made
a series of most improbable statements --as, that she was engaged to the
barrel-organ man, that he was in the habit of serenading her on that instrument,
that she was in the habit of playing back to him upon the typewriter (in
the style of King Richard and Blondel), and that the organ man's musical
ear was so exquisite and his adoration of herself so ardent that he could
detect the note of the different letters on the machine, and was enraptured
by them as by a melody. To all these statements of course our Mr. Trip
and the rest of us only paid that sort of assent that is paid to persons
who must as quickly as possible be put in the charge of their relations.
But on our conducting the lady downstairs, her story received the most
startling and even exasperating confirmation; for the organ-grinder, an
enormous man with a small head and manifestly a fellow-lunatic, had pushed
his barrel organ in at the office doors like a battering-ram, and was boisterously
demanding his alleged fiancee. When I myself came on the scene he was flinging
his great, ape-like arms about and reciting a poem to her. But we were
used to lunatics coming and reciting poems in our office, and we were not
quite prepared for what followed. The actual verse he uttered began, I
think,
`O vivid, inviolate head,
Ringed --'
but he never got any further.
Mr. Trip made a sharp movement towards him, and the next moment the giant
picked up the poor lady typewriter like a doll, sat her on top of the organ,
ran it with a crash out of the office doors, and raced away down the street
like a flying wheelbarrow. I put the police upon the matter; but no trace
of the amazing pair could be found. I was sorry myself; for the lady was
not only pleasant but unusually cultivated for her position. As I am leaving
the service of Messrs. Hanbury and Bootle, I put these things in a record
and leave it with them.
"(Signed) Aubrey Clarke, Publishers' reader."
"And the last document,"
said Dr. Pym complacently, "is from one of those high-souled women who
have in this age introduced your English girlhood to hockey, the higher
mathematics, and every form of ideality.
"Dear Sir (she
writes), -- I have no objection to telling you the facts about the absurd
incident you mention; though I would ask you to communicate them with some
caution, for such things, however entertaining in the abstract, are not
always auxiliary to the success of a girls' school. The truth is this:
I wanted some one to deliver a lecture on a philological or historical
question -- a lecture which, while containing solid educational matter,
should be a little more popular and entertaining than usual, as it was
the last lecture of the term. I remembered that a Mr. Smith of Cambridge
had written somewhere or other an amusing essay about his own somewhat
ubiquitous name -- an essay which showed considerable knowledge of genealogy
and topography. I wrote to him, asking if he would come and give us a bright
address upon English surnames; and he did. It was very bright, almost too
bright. To put the matter otherwise, by the time that he was halfway through
it became apparent to the other mistresses and myself that the man was
totally and entirely off his head. He began rationally enough by dealing
with the two departments of place names and trade names, and he said (quite
rightly, I dare say) that the loss of all significance in names was an
instance of the deadening of civilization. But then he went on calmly to
maintain that every man who had a place name ought to go to live in that
place, and that every man who had a trade name ought instantly to adopt
that trade; that people named after colours should always dress in those
colours, and that people named after trees or plants (such as Beech or
Rose) ought to surround and decorate themselves with these vegetables.
In a slight discussion that arose afterwards among the elder girls the
difficulties of the proposal were clearly, and even eagerly, pointed out.
It was urged, for instance, by Miss Younghusband that it was substantially
impossible for her to play the part assigned to her; Miss Mann was in a
similar dilemma, from which no modern views on the sexes could apparently
extricate her; and some young ladies, whose surnames happened to be Low,
Coward, and Craven, were quite enthusiastic against the idea. But all this
happened afterwards. What happened at the crucial moment was that the lecturer
produced several horseshoes and a large iron hammer from his bag, announced
his immediate intention of setting up a smithy in the neighbourhood, and
called on every one to rise in the same cause as for a heroic revolution.
The other mistresses and I attempted to stop the wretched man, but I must
confess that by an accident this very intercession produced the worst explosion
of his insanity. He was waving the hammer, and wildly demanding the names
of everybody; and it so happened that Miss Brown, one of the younger teachers,
was wearing a brown dress -- a reddish-brown dress that went quietly enough
with the warmer colour of her hair, as well she knew. She was a nice girl,
and nice girls do know about those things. But when our maniac discovered
that we really had a Miss Brown who was brown, his idee fixe
blew up like a powder magazine, and there, in the presence of all the mistresses
and girls, he publicly proposed to the lady in the red-brown dress. You
can imagine the effect of such a scene at a girls' school. At least, if
you fail to imagine it, I certainly fail to describe it.
"Of course, the anarchy
died down in a week or two, and I can think of it now as a joke. There
was only one curious detail, which I will tell you, as you say your inquiry
is vital; but I should desire you to consider it a little more confidential
than the rest. Miss Brown, who was an excellent girl in every way, did
quite suddenly and surreptitiously leave us only a day or two afterwards.
I should never have thought that her head would be the one to be really
turned by so absurd an excitement. -- Believe me, yours faithfully, Ada
Gridley.
"I think," said Pym, with
a really convincing simplicity and seriousness, "that these letters speak
for themselves."
Mr. Moon rose for the
last time in a darkness that gave no hint of whether his native gravity
was mixed with his native irony.
"Throughout this inquiry,"
he said, "but especially in this its closing phase, the prosecution has
perpetually relied upon one argument; I mean the fact that no one knows
what has become of all the unhappy women apparently seduced by Smith. There
is no sort of proof that they were murdered, but that implication is perpetually
made when the question is asked as to how they died. Now I am not interested
in how they died, or when they died, or whether they died. But I am interested
in another analogous question -- that of how they were born, and when they
were born, and whether they were born. Do not misunderstand me. I do not
dispute the existence of these women, or the veracity of those who have
witnessed to them. I merely remark on the notable fact that only one of
these victims, the Maidenhead girl, is described as having any home or
parents. All the rest are boarders or birds of passage -- a guest, a solitary
dressmaker, a bachelor-girl doing typewriting. Lady Bullingdon, looking
from her turrets, which she bought from the Whartons with the old soap-boiler's
money when she jumped at marrying an unsuccessful gentleman from Ulster
-- Lady Bullingdon, looking out from those turrets, did really see an object
which she describes as Green. Mr. Trip, of Hanbury and Bootle, really did
have a typewriter betrothed to Smith. Miss Gridley, though idealistic,
is absolutely honest. She did house, feed, and teach a young woman whom
Smith succeeded in decoying away. We admit that all these women really
lived. But we still ask whether they were ever born?"
"Oh, crikey!" said Moses
Gould, stifled with amusement.
"There could hardly,"
interposed Pym with a quiet smile, "be a better instance of the neglect
of true scientific process. The scientist, when once convinced of the fact
of vitality and consciousness, would infer from these the previous process
of generation."
"If these gals," said
Gould impatiently -- "if these gals were all alive (all alive O!) I'd chance
a fiver they were all born."
"You'd lose your fiver,"
said Michael, speaking gravely out of the gloom. "All those admirable ladies
were alive. They were more alive for having come into contact with Smith.
They were all quite definitely alive, but only one of them was ever born."
"Are you asking us to
believe --" began Dr. Pym.
"I am asking you a second
question," said Moon sternly. "Can the court now sitting throw any light
on a truly singular circumstance? Dr. Pym, in his interesting lecture on
what are called, I believe, the relations of the sexes, said that Smith
was the slave of a lust for variety which would lead a man first to a negress
and then to an albino, first to a Patagonian giantess and then to a tiny
Eskimo. But is there any evidence of such variety here? Is there any trace
of a gigantic Patagonian in the story? Was the typewriter an Eskimo? So
picturesque a circumstance would not surely have escaped remark. Was Lady
Bullingdon's dressmaker a negress? A voice in my bosom answers, `No!' Lady
Bullingdon, I am sure, would think a negress so conspicuous as to be almost
Socialistic, and would feel something a little rakish even about an albino.
"But was there in Smith's
taste any such variety as the learned doctor describes? So far as our slight
materials go, the very opposite seems to be the case. We have only one
actual description of any of the prisoner's wives -- the short but highly
poetic account by the aesthetic curate. `Her dress was the colour of spring,
and her hair of autumn leaves.' Autumn leaves, of course, are of various
colours, some of which would be rather startling in hair (green, for instance);
but I think such an expression would be most naturally used of the shades
from red-brown to red, especially as ladies with their coppery-coloured
hair do frequently wear light artistic greens. Now when we come to the
next wife, we find the eccentric lover, when told he is a donkey, answering
that donkeys always go after carrots; a remark which Lady Bullingdon evidently
regarded as pointless and part of the natural table-talk of a village idiot,
but which has an obvious meaning if we suppose that Polly's hair was red.
Passing to the next wife, the one he took from the girls' school, we find
Miss Gridley noticing that the schoolgirl in question wore `a reddish-brown
dress, that went quietly enough with the warmer colour of her hair.' In
other words, the colour of the girl's hair was something redder than red-brown.
Lastly, the romantic organ-grinder declaimed in the office some poetry
that only got as far as the words, --
`O vivid, inviolate head,
Ringed --'
But I think that a wide
study of the worst modern poets will enable us to guess that `ringed with
a glory of red,' or `ringed with its passionate red,' was the line that
rhymed to `head.' In this case once more, therefore, there is good reason
to suppose that Smith fell in love with a girl with some sort of auburn
or darkish-red hair -- rather," he said, looking down at the table, "rather
like Miss Gray's hair."
Cyrus Pym was leaning
forward with lowered eyelids, ready with one of his more pedantic interpellations;
but Moses Gould suddenly struck his forefinger on his nose, with an expression
of extreme astonishment and intelligence in his brilliant eyes.
"Mr. Moon's contention
at present," interposed Pym, "is not, even if veracious, inconsistent with
the lunatico-criminal view of I. Smith, which we have nailed to the mast.
Science has long anticipated such a complication. An incurable attraction
to a particular type of physical woman is one of the commonest of criminal
per-versities, and when not considered narrowly, but in the light of induction
and evolution --"
"At this late stage,"
said Michael Moon very quietly, "I may perhaps relieve myself of a simple
emotion that has been pressing me throughout the proceedings, by saying
that induction and evolution may go and boil themselves. The Missing Link
and all that is well enough for kids, but I'm talking about things we know
here. All we know of the Missing Link is that he is missing -- and he won't
be missed either. I know all about his human head and his horrid tail;
they belong to a very old game called `Heads I win, tails you lose.' If
you do find a fellow's bones, it proves he lived a long while ago; if you
don't find his bones, it proves how long ago he lived. That is the game
you've been playing with this Smith affair. Because Smith's head is small
for his shoulders you call him microcephalous; if it had been large, you'd
have called it water-on-the-brain. As long as poor old Smith's seraglio
seemed pretty various, variety was the sign of madness: now, because it's
turning out to be a bit monochrome -- now monotony is the sign of madness.
I suffer from all the disadvantages of being a grown-up person, and I'm
jolly well going to get some of the advantages too; and with all politeness
I propose not to be bullied with long words instead of short reasons, or
consider your business a triumphant progress merely because you're always
finding out that you were wrong. Having relieved myself of these feelings,
I have merely to add that I regard Dr. Pym as an ornament to the world
far more beautiful than the Parthenon, or the monument on Bunker's Hill,
and that I propose to resume and conclude my remarks on the many marriages
of Mr. Innocent Smith.
"Besides this red hair,
thee is another unifying thread that runs through these scattered incidents.
There is something very peculiar and suggestive about the names of these
women. Mr. Trip, you will remember, said he thought the typewriter's name
was Blake, but could not remember exactly. I suggest that it might have
been Black, and in that case we have a curious series: Miss Green in Lady
Bullingdon's village; Miss Brown at the Hendon School; Miss Black at the
publishers. A chord of colours, as it were, which ends up with Miss Gray
at Beacon House, West Hampstead."
Amid a dead silence
Moon continued his exposition. "What is the meaning of this queer coincidence
about colours? Personally I cannot doubt for a moment that these names
are purely arbitrary names, assumed as part of some general scheme or joke.
I think it very probably that they were taken from a series of costumes
-- that Polly Green only meant Polly (or Mary) when in green, and that
Mary Gray only means Mary (or Polly) when in gray. This would explain --"
Cyrus Pym was standing
up rigid and almost pallid. "Do you actually mean to suggest --" he cried.
"Yes," said Michael;
"I do mean to suggest that. Innocent Smith has had many wooings, and many
weddings for all I know; but he has had only one wife. She was sitting
on that chair an hour ago, and is now talking to Miss Duke in the garden.
"Yes, Innocent Smith
has behaved here, as he has on hundreds of other occasions, upon a plain
and perfectly blameless principle. It is odd and extravagant in the modern
world, but not more than any other principle plainly applied in the modern
world would be. His principle can be quite simply stated: he refuses to
die while he is still alive. He seeks to remind himself, by every electric
shock to the intellect, that he is still a man alive, walking on two legs
about the world. For this reason he fires bullets at his best friends;
for this reason he arranges ladders and collapsible chimneys to steal his
own property; for this reason he goes plodding around a whole planet to
get back to his own home; and for this reason he has been in the habit
of taking the woman whom he loved with a permanent loyalty, and leaving
her about (so to speak) at schools, boarding-houses, and places of business,
so that he might recover her again and again with a raid and a romantic
elopement. He seriously sought by a perpetual recapture of his bride to
keep alive the sense of her perpetual value, and the perils that should
be run for her sake.
"So far his motives
are clear enough; but perhaps his convictions are not quite so clear. I
think Innocent Smith has an idea at the bottom of all this. I am by no
means sure that I believe it myself, but I am quite sure that it is worth
a man's uttering and defending.
"The idea that Smith
is attacking is this. Living in an entangled civilization, we have come
to think certain things wrong which are not wrong at all. We have come
to think outbreak and exuberance, banging and barging, rotting and wrecking,
wrong. In themselves they are not merely pardonable; they are unimpeachable.
There is nothing wicked about firing a pistol off even at a friend, so
long as you do not mean to hit him and know you won't. It is no more wrong
than throwing a pebble at the sea -- less, for you do occasionally hit
the sea. There is nothing wrong in bashing down a chimney-pot and breaking
through a roof, so long as you are not injuring the life or property of
other men. It is no more wrong to choose to enter a house from the top
than to choose to open a packing-case from the bottom. There is nothing
wicked about walking round the world and coming back to your own house;
it is no more wicked than walking round the garden and coming back to your
own house. And there is nothing wicked about picking up your wife here,
there, and everywhere, if, forsaking all others, you keep only to her so
long as you both shall live. It is as innocent as playing a game of hide-and-seek
in the garden. You associate such acts with blackguardism by a mere snobbish
association, as you think there is something vaguely vile about going (or
being seen going) into a pawnbroker's or a public-house. You think there
is something squalid and commonplace about such a connection. You are mistaken.
"This man's spiritual
power has been precisely this, that he has distinguished between custom
and creed. He has broken the conventions, but he has kept the commandments.
It is as if a man were found gambling wildly in a gambling hell, and you
found that he only played for trouser buttons. It is as if you found a
man making a clandestine appointment with a lady at a Covent Garden ball,
and then you found it was his grandmother. Everything is ugly and discreditable,
except the facts; everything is wrong about him, except that he has done
no wrong.
"It will then be asked,
`Why does Innocent Smith continued far into his middle age a farcical existence,
that exposes him to so many false charges?' To this I merely answer that
he does it because he really is happy, because he really is hilarious,
because he really is a man and alive. He is so young that climbing garden
trees and playing silly practical jokes are still to him what they once
were to us all. And if you ask me yet again why he alone among men should
be fed with such inexhaustible follies, I have a very simple answer to
that, though it is one that will not be approved.
"There is but one answer,
and I am sorry if you don't like it. If Innocent is happy, it is because
he is innocent. If he can defy the conventions, it is just because
he can keep the commandments. It is just because he does not want to kill
but to excite to life that a pistol is still as exciting to him as it is
to a schoolboy. It is just because he does not want to steal, because he
does not covet his neighbour's goods, that he has captured the trick (oh,
how we all long for it!), the trick of coveting his own goods. It is just
because he does not want to commit adultery that he achieves the romance
of sex; it is just because he loves one wife that he has a hundred honeymoons.
If he had really murdered a man, if he had really deserted a woman, he
would not be able to feel that a pistol or a love-letter was like a song
-- at least, not a comic song.
"Do not imagine, please,
that any such attitude is easy to me or appeals in any particular way to
my sympathies. I am an Irishman, and a certain sorrow is in my bones, bred
either of the persecutions of my creed, or of my creed itself. Speaking
singly, I feel as if a man was tied to tragedy, and there was no way out
of the trap of old age and doubt. But if there is a way out, then, by Christ
and St. Patrick, this is the way out. If one could keep as happy as a child
or a dog, it would be by being as innocent as a child, or as sinless as
a dog. Barely and brutally to be good -- that may be the road, and he may
have found it. Well, well, well, I see a look of skepticism on the face
of my old friend Moses. Mr. Gould does not believe that being perfectly
good in all respects would make a man merry."
"No," said Gould, with
an unusual and convincing gravity; "I do not believe that being perfectly
good in all respects would make a man merry."
"Well," said Michael
quietly, "will you tell me one thing? Which of us has ever tried it?"
A silence ensued, rather
like the silence of some long geological epoch which awaits the emergence
of some unexpected type; for there rose at last in the stillness a massive
figure that the other men had almost completely forgotten.
"Well, gentlemen," said
Dr. Warner cheerfully, "I've been pretty well entertained with all this
pointless and incompetent tomfoolery for a couple of days; but it seems
to be wearing rather thin, and I'm engaged for a city dinner. Among the
hundred flowers of futility on both sides I was unable to detect any sort
of reason why a lunatic should be allowed to shoot me in the back garden."
He had settled his silk
hat on his head and gone out sailing placidly to the garden gate, while
the almost wailing voice of Pym still followed him: "But really the bullet
missed you by several feet." And another voice added: "The bullet missed
him by several years."
There was a long and
mainly unmeaning silence, and then Moon said suddenly, "We have been sitting
with a ghost. Dr. Herbert Warner died years ago."